Thursday, April 7, 2011

How to turn a Straight Man Gay

I pulled this down from the web. A young gay teenager was looking for advice on how to mack on another guy in his band.

Here's what his question was followed by shitty advice from a columnist and then more advice from me.


Dear Mona,

I am a 16 year old gay High School student and I am deeply crushing on this guy in my section in marching band. There are some signs he is gay. I see him checking me out when he thinks I'm not looking. I would love to know the best way to turn him gay, or at least get him to like me. Can you help me with this? I just love him ever so much!

Drummer Boy


here's what Mona had to say:

I'm an ex band geek so I'll spare you the band jokes and jump right into one of the hottest Broadway musicals, Wicked, based on the favorite tale, Wizard of Oz.

Did you know the Wicked Witch of the West wasn't always evil? Elphaba (the birth name of the previously mentioned witch) had every intention of using her magic powers to make the world a better place- finding love for her sister (correctly guessed as the Wicked Witch of the East) and saving her love crush from a tragic end. The result of her screw up was the Tin Man and the Scarecrow. Later frustrated that her attempts at creating her own fantasy miserably failed, Elphaba vowed a life of evil. Of course, there is way more to the story, but the moral here is that you can save yourself a lot of grief by letting the natural course of things unfold. By trying to save your crush from a devastating straight fate you may end up losing your own self-esteem.

Many gay men try to use their powers of queer persuasion to create the ideal love fantasy. They become preoccupied with the quest of turning the seemingly impossible into the utterly tragic.

We all wish we could wave a wand and turn our crush into lust, but even if it were possible, would you want it that way? Let's shift the focus from the impossible (which is turning him gay) to the practical (finding out if he is gay through friendship).

There are no definite signs that disclose a person's sexuality. So, the best plan of attack here is to gain his trust as a friend. You say he looks in your direction, then strike up a conversation. Talk about that cool new Astroturf on the football field or how ridiculous piccolos look marching with those tiny instruments. Any excuse to start a friendship. Once you get to know him, you'll soon discover whether you desire a deeper friendship or not. You don't have to come out to him right away, but you should eventually disclose your intentions.

Of course, you love him so and want him now, but have a little patience. If he shares your feelings, he'll return the sentiment. If he's gay, you'll eventually know when he's ready for you to know. Until then keep your wand in your pants and stay in line.

Yours in love,


now's here what I had to say.

Dear Drummer Boy,

I say go for it because how else are you ever going to know if he likes you or not. The chances are 99% that he's as sexually attracted to you as you are to him. Take it from someone whose been there. Most of the guys that gave me the tingle were just as in to me just as I was into them if not more.

This whole deal with men being either gay, straight, bisexual, or transgendered is passe. In the new millenium it's perfectly okay to love another person regardless of their orientation, man or woman.

However, if you're from a country where homosexuality is not tolerated then leave immediately. Now if you live in one of the more modernized countries where gays aren't outlawed like the USA, UK, or Argentina, then by all means, go with with your gut instinct. Just use good judgement when you're trying to land your suitor.

I don't agree with Mona's advice at all and I really think using the Wicked Witch of the East is a bad analogy. It's also a little cliche too.

I'm sure Mona means well but she sounds like she's struck out at bat a few times herself, her advice sounds a little a like the blind leading the blind but there's definitely some merit in her advice like making friends first, which is always the best policy. When you do become friends with the guys you like, you'll either like them more or they'll end up making your dick curl and not in the good way either.

On a side note I'd like to say that Mona's idea of queer persuasion is no more effective than straight persuasaion. If someone doesn't like you, they don't like you.

But that shouldn't suggest that you give up, hellz no. You just have to change your approach or method. Here's what men have told me over the years:

- they like to be the aggressor, they like to make the first move.

-the flipside to that is some men like being the hunted, it's power reversal thing with them. It's exactly the same reason why most men who are lawyers hire a dominatrix to come over and make them lick their boots. Some fantasize about being a treated like a little bitch, go figure.

- they always go for the one's they can't have, so make yourself unattainable, or hard to get.

- most men are sluts and don't care where they stick it.

- a man will sew his seed in many women and when's he ready to settle down, he always, always, picks the woman who never said yes to him.

- most straight men claim they've done it with another man "one time" , so if he's a man virgin, his one time could be with you.

- switch from band to theater, they're are more hornier guys in theater

Also, what kind've guy are you looking for? If you want to date a military man, join the military, if you want to date a Fireman, join the Fire Department and so on.

The Universal laws of attraction work the same here too:

- Likes attract

- Opposites attract

- money attracts

- being physically pretty attracts

- inner charm & personality attracts

and so on, so good luck, play safe, and be smart about it.



Here's a side note to this blog.

Another reason why I wanted to address Drummer Boy's message was because of the recent rash of Gay teenage suicides that were happening across the United States last year.

I feel a big reason why these teenagers were taking their lives was because the information wasn't out there for them, about anything.

I don't claim to be an expert at anything, I can only share my stories and experiences with those who might matter.

There are professional people the gay youth can call:

Gay National Youth Talkline
1800 246 7743

The Trevor Project Suicide and Prevention Hotline
1 866 488 7386

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