Saturday, September 3, 2011

Relationship Status

Here are my current terms and definitions for everyone's relationship status.

1) Single - your by yourself because you haven't quite figured out how to stop acting like your father or mother when you meet people.

2) In a Relationship - This is the Romy and Michelle curse, you're the girl who everyone voted in yearbook most likely to be married by 23 but you're no closer to getting married then scientist finding the cure for cancer, so to save face you use this relationship on facebook until you finally find someone to do your laundry.

3) Engaged - Congrats, you're one of the few people in this world whose actually found another person to co-habitat with but the only problem is that you're both broke and that's you've probably been engaged for the last 5 years because you're both still saving up to pay for a decent wedding.

4) Married - Your 10 years in, you're fat, he's fat, and your kids are fat too.

5) It's Complicated - You're an asshole and the person you've been trying to date on & off for the past 3 years is an asshole too. There are a couple scenarios to this relationship status A) stop going to back to your man or woman who keeps cheating on you B) you're waiting for a husband or wife who will never leave their spouse to be with you because they enjoy your convience C) they don't make dildo's big enough for people like you.

6) I'm in an Open Relationship - I only have one word for people like this, whore.

7) Widowed - This relationship status can either go two ways, "I'm rich Bitch" or "that fucker left me 200,000 in debt" .

8) Separated - But not really, these kinds of people only tell their friends and family they're separated so they can find out who their spouse has been fucking, which is a very clever ploy if you ask me. And really, it's sweet that their spouses gets jealous because it shows after all these years that little love flame still burns between them.

9) Divorced - if you're an available man and you're reading this, email me:

10) In a Civil Union - this is a 2nd class relationship term used to describe a gay couple or a really dull straight couple.

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