This past couple of weeks I could my feel my spirit guides and other forces calling for me to be tested.
But tested how? Spiritually, mentally, physically? I suppose when the creator sends our tests, they come in any shape or form depending on what our lesson(s) is.
Me, being the confrontational person I am, I closed my eyes and said to my spirit guides, "bring it" .
So these past couple of weeks the Creator sent me some pretty daunting challenges, some easy, and some not so easy.
The first major one I can think of was when we were driving to Gilroy a couple weeks ago and a car flipped over, I pulled over and helped that guy out of his car. So for me, that felt like a courage test. When I was driving, I asked myself , "do I want to pull over or keep driving and do nothing" . Obviously, I pulled over and let my courage take over.
My next test was to see if I still had compassion. I knew this because last night when I was coming back from the Punchline in San Francisco, I stopped by Jack in the Box to get a burger and hanging right outside was a schizophrenic homeless lady panhandling. She asked me if I could help her and I said yes. So I went inside and bought her a combo meal. After I gave it to her, my last words to her were, "stay warm" .
This last test started happening last week. Last Sunday I went to a Bathhouse for anonymous gay sex and the next morning I woke up in a sweat, which was not normal for me. Usually when I konk out, I'm out and won't wake up until 3pm but I've waking up in sweats the whole week and then the color of my bowel movements have been off all week too.
My first thoughts was that I must of contracted something at the Bathhouse. I just saw in the Bay Area News group that theres been a Meningitis outbreak among Gay men in San Francisco and thats what was going thru my head, that and the other usual fears from hanging out in a bathhouse like contracting AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis. So this morning, enough was enough and I went to the ER at Highland Hospital in Oakland and checked myself in.
I got there about 5:AM and didn't leave until 10:AM. My doctor and nurses were great. The triage nurse was great too. I told the triage nurse what my symptoms were and she asked if there was a current life event that I could be stressing about. I was too embarrassed to mention the Bathhouse incident earlier in the week but I eventually came around because I knew it was time to be real, after all, this is my health that we're talking about.
To make a long story short, the doctor confirmed what the triage nurse said, all these symptoms were stress related, causing high anxiety. I guess I was over thinking the issue about contracting HIV, meningitis, and that fucking Mayan Apocalypse event that was supposed to happen this week too, so then my cute Jewish doctor gave me a nice comfort rub on my arm and popped me a chill pill, which didn't work as well as it should considering I was really strung out.
When I entered the ER this morning, my blood pressure was 176, which is pretty frickin high. So after they talked me down, gave me my pill, my blood pressure came back down to 110. It amazing what the brain can do to your body when its under duress.
They offered to draw blood and check everything, which I agreed to and all my blood work came back fine, hopefully I can put this behind me and move forward.
I really can't say why I let any of these events get to me this past week. I use to go to Bathhouse/sex clubs in the 90's and did a whole lot worse but never have a panic attack like I did this past week
There was one thing the cute Jewish Doctor said to me, he asked me if suffer from depression and anxiety. Again, I didn't want to answer but I said yes.
I've been depressed since high school and my anxiety didn't start kicking in until19 when I had Bell's Palsy from suffering a mild stroke while attending school in New Mexico.
I have always refused to go see a therapist and take any kind of, "happy pill" , medications because I knew I could beat these things with my mind.
I am 38 years old and for the rest of my life I have a feeling I'm to be fighting to keep my mental health stable, which is fine because thats what it feels like I've been doing for the past 20 years anyways.
If anything with me being a stand up comedian, I'm looking forward to working out some of these issues on stage sometime soon. My audiences get an endorphin release when I make them laugh but I too get an endorphin release watching them giggle and knowing I had something to do with that.
Alright ya'll, take care you's because I will definitely be taking care of me's !!!
p.s. update - after writing this blog, my sleeping habits went back to normal and I feel so much better, so in a way, venting out my issues in a blog has helped me a lot.