Friday, February 7, 2014

too blessed to be stressed

Well, my body is finally wearing down and taking a toll on my mental & physical health.

A couple weeks ago I admitted myself to the ER at Highland because I had a bad panic attack.  I was sitting at home thinking about all the people I know who've been having heart attacks at my age (39) and then all of a sudden my heart began beating really fast and the next thing you know, I got really dizzy and couldn't breathe.

That was a really scary moment for me because I could barely get off my sofa and get to the phone to call 911, let alone talk to the 911 dispatch, I was in such a daze.

When I got to the hospital, my blood pressure eventually came down.  They said there was nothing wrong with me and that it was probably built up stress & anxiety.

There was a nurse that helped pull out whatever sickness I was carrying, while I was sitting there crying, she said, "wheres the pain" , and I looked at her and said, "its in my head" .  After that, I could just feel all the stress come out with every tear drop.

I don't understand why I would have panicked over something like that, it really caught me off guard.

Last year I panicked over going to the Gay Sex Club which I don't get because I've been there before many times and it never bothered me.  And then around the same time, I discovered all the anxiety stemmed from having bronchitis and a sinus infection which was messing with my breathing.

So of course, this year had to start with pneumonia and anxiety.

I'm done with it, I really am.

This past month was just hell for me and I've been feeling a lot better.  The doctors wanted to prescribe some anxiety medication but I passed because I don't believe in that.

This whole panic attack thing is new to me because I've never use to have them before.

Do you know whats funny, a long time ago I had some psychics tell me that I had all this built up energy and I was going to pop.  That was many years ago but these past couple of weeks, I knew exactly what they were talking about because I could just feel it.

It was an odd feeling like I would be sitting there very quiet to myself but I could hear screaming in my head.  Looking back on it,  that must've the stress starting to manifest itself.

And then, I could feel this weird murmur in my lungs.  And you know what, since I had my cry at the hospital, I haven't felt that again since.  I mentioned this to the doctors and they said, "yep, that was stress related"  .

And oh, did I mention my blood work came back and the doctors told me I was pre-diabetic.

Wow, that really fucked me up.  They also said my insulin could be out of whack because of the recent pneumonia illness I was going thru.

Either way, they said its manageable and it would go away if I lose the weight.

So since the beginning of this February, I've been doing pretty good with my cardio work outs and not drinking soda.

So for the rest of this year, I'm staying away from any kind of stress, people, places, events and whatever, I'm just not having it anymore.

Life is too short to worry about anything trivial.


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