I turned 40 years old a couple months ago and I'm coming to conclusions that the life I wanted to lead has been out of my reach lately. So heres a list of ideals I've been holding onto for a long time and its time to let this shit go:
- getting married to the perfect man
This one is laughable because I really thought I would've found my soulmate by now and trust me I looked i.e. craigslist, gay.com, college, bathrooms, glory holes, bars, cafes, different cities, and where ever else I could find. In my heart, I really believe I was supposed to be a stay at home gay. I always envisioned myself getting married to the perfect man, wait for him come home, ask him how his day went, make him some meat loaf and then give him a some booty.
After being in show business for 11 years and not getting anywhere that little fucked up realization of not making it is finally starting to settle in. I've definitely made my moves and the universe has still yet to deliver.
- weight loss
I currently weigh 290lbs and haven't been down to the 250's for the past couple of years. Right now I'm working almost full time and have no time to exercise. I am trying to eat salads at Jack in the Box but that shit just isn't helping.
- having a great sex life
I'm pretty sure my glory days of having a fuckable body are over. I guess I could go to a gay sex club and get boned in the dark but why keep lying to myself, and besides that scene is sooooo played out.
- making 100k plus a year
The most money I've ever made from comedy in one year was 10,000$. That is some bullshit.
- a new car
Right now I'd settle for having any kind of car.
- my own house
This one is really far out of reach because in order to have my own house, I needs lots of incoming $$$$$.
For the past 11 years I've lived at home mainly so I could concentrate on being a stand up comedian and to save on bills. I love my family but I have no idea what independence feels like.
- learning to speak a 2nd language
I can feel my brain wanting to learn a 2nd language, maybe French, maybe Spanish?
This one sucks the most. This one has kept me from seeing people from who they really are, I can't do it anymore.
This is probably the most honest blog I've written in a while so please don't anyone leave a shitty comment like, "life is what you make it" , because what the fuck do you guys think I've been trying to do for the past 11 years?
My life goals may not be working out for me right now but at least I can say in this life that
I went for it.
#still #trying #to #make #my #life #better