Saturday, February 25, 2012

For Lydia

I remember when Anne Rice's movie, "Queen of the Damned" , came out, I was still in Haskell and most of my friends kept raving how much better the book was over the movie.

And to be honest, for someone whose never read any of Anne's books, I thought the movie was pretty good but still, there was something about the lead character, Akasha, the Vampire Queen who made me want to know more about her, I was really curious about what made her so villainous. So that was motive for me wanting to read, "Queen of the Damned" , and I read every page with passion until my questions were answered.

I'm not much of a reader, so it takes a pretty good story to move me.

So this is what lead me to wait in line for three hours and meet Anne Rice so she could sign her new book for me called, "The Wolf Gift" .

When it was finally my turn to get my book signed, Anne immediately winced at the name at the yellow postee inside because it read a girls name and I said, "Oh, this book is for my friend Lydia. I have only read one of your books, 'Queen of the Damned' , and she was the person who gave it to me to read, so now I want to return the favor" .

After Anne signed the book, she politely said, "you'll like it because its polarizing", and I said, "well, I'm going to send it to her first and if she likes it then I might read it too" .

And thats when Anne Rice and her book assistants broke out into laughter. Leave it to me to say something stupid to one of the most entertaining writers of our generation.


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I Love My Friends!

Lately I've been feeling really lonely.

I can think of a couple reasons why I'm single, my living situation, my job, my weight, my fungus ridden toe nail, and so on.

None of these things have ever prevented me from hooking up but still but I'm sure it must be nice to have another person to go home to or to have a partner to be intimate with on a consistant basis.

So in the mean time until I do find that right guy, I guess I'll just have to find other ways to get a good bang for my buck, speaking of which, I totally put this status update on my facebook and here are the responses I got from my facebook friends.

Thanks everybody, you guys really do know how to pick up my spirits when I'm feeling down.

Who wants to help me raise money so I can buy an expensive gay hooker?

Briana Darlene - Ooo benefit pow wow! Lmfao!

Timothy Ham - Sell some indian tacos?? I'll buy ingredients but u gotta make fry bread and set up stand outside of clubs. lol

Briana Darlene - Ndn taco sales & benefit pow wow! Love it more!

Lydia Roach-Raines - Set up a PayPal acct

Samuel White Swan Perkins - kickstarter?

Evangeline Kissoon - I see this post AFTER ur request for a gay hooker pitch-ins from ur friends! U BETTER love ur friends!

Saturday, February 18, 2012


Do you guys ever wonder how smart you are and if so, which aptitude test you would most excel at?

I've had a couple bright moments in my life which made me feel very smart and I'd like share them with you guys.

The first one when I was watching Jeopardy with my mom's ex boyfriend - Al. It was a typical Jeopardy episode where I pretty much didn't know any of the questions to the listed answers on the tv monitors.

However, my knowledge of random trivia hit a high when Alex Trebek asked the contestants this last question on the show, the topic was Geography, heres the question (jeopardy):

"Name the capitol city of this state which has the same name of a river running threw the state of Arizona"

Does anyone give up because the answer is Salt Lake City, Utah. The Salt River runs Phoenix, Arizona.

I only knew the answer because I went to school with so many Salt River Pima's from Phoenix, Arizona. That river is named after their tribe.

For one split second I felt super smart and was like, "I should go audition for that show" , but seeing as how I only managed to answer the final question correctly out of the other ninety nine questions asked, I figured probably not.

Another high I.Q moment came when I was checking out some books at the now defunct City Lights Bookstore in the Castro.

When this bookstore was open, I use to love love browsing the gay social magazines, coffee table books, and the occasional gay porn magazine.

On a sunny afternoon there were a stack of MENSA quiz cards on display, they looked fun. I guess these cards were used with real MENSA students and made into a form of trivia entertainment.

I have never considered myself a MENSA intellect but I was game enough to try one quiz card to see what it said and if I could answer it.

To this day, I can't remember what the card question was but it was definitely a brain teaser, knowing that, I changed my logic around and when I came up with my answer, turned the card around and boom, I was right. I felt so special that day because I was like, "wow, I am smart" . Thats amazing how I came to that conclusion considering that I only picked one card and answered it right. hahaha I figure one card is enough, why ruin the streak right?

My last highlight came from college. We were sitting in our Art Appreciation class watching slides of paintings and the teacher asked us to identify them. WTF? Are you serious? I mean hello, thats why we were taking this class in the first place, so we could learn about different types of art but I guess the art appreciation instructor felt we should already have a knowledge art base and thats what we were being quizzed on.

And whats funny is, when none of my classmates couldn't identify any of the paintings or what they meant, she was like, "okay, lets move to the next one" , okay hold on wait a minute, isn't that why we're in this class, so if we don't know what is being discussed, the instructor can then explain what is trying to be to conveyed in class? And then this dumb instructor had the nerve to get mad at us because we didn't know any of the art pieces she was projecting on the wall.

My old friend Regina Charles was able to identify a painting and it was the Mary Magdelan, you know, the hooker that turned Jesus turned into a homemaker. Go Gina for knowing your religious history!

I was feeling really lost in that class until the instructor showed this really abstract painting which I immediately identified.

My first interpretation was, "this painting is very aggressive with the lines, its very fast moving, and colorful, and I could tell the stick figure in the middle is a woman because her breast are very pointy" , and she was all, "thats great but what does it mean" , and I said, "oh, it means that women are aggressive" . And she said, "correct" .

She then went on to say, "the artist who created this painting was definitely hurt by women and thats what he is trying to portray" .

And thats when the red flag in my brain went off because shes obviously giving her opnion of his work and not being objective.

I quickly rebutted, "why do you think he was hurt, if I could see what the artist was trying convey, it must be true" .

I was so ready to debate with this bitch because I think thats what she wanted.

In the end, I ended withdrawing from the class and from college that semester because of personal hardship and when I was leaving her class, she said to me, "its too bad you're leaving because you were one of my brightest students" .

And all I could think was, "this crazy bitch is holding me up from getting my drink on" .


Thursday, February 16, 2012

Fred Phelps <-- Dumb Ass !!!!

As an entertainment blogger, I am aware of whatever or whomever I blog about, I'm basically giving my blog topic a platform so everyonce can hear their point of view, good or bad.

Todays blog is about the extremist religious cult known as the Westburo Baptist Church based in Topeka, Kansas. This church is run by the Fred Phelps family who preach hatred and bigotry.

If anyone has ever seen them protest, they're usually the ones carrying the signs that say, "God Hates Fags" .

And then across the street, you'll see liberal protesters waving their counters signs back at them like, "God doesn't hate the gays, who do you think help decorated Heaven" ?

Lately, the Phelps have been known for protesting the funnerals of Matt Sheperd, Micheal Jackson, and USA soldiers killed in action.

Most recently, their protests were taken to the United States Supreme Court where they won a ruling that their protests are protected under the, "freedom of speech" , clause in our U.S. Constitution.

So today, they were in the news again for traveling to New Jersey to protest the funeral of Whitney Houston, only because she's considered a gay icon, how despicable.

I hope they do show up and get their asses kicked. If its one thing we all know, you don't fuck with Black people and church. So I'm sure Bobby Brown will be in the headlines tomorrow for putting his foot up their ass.

The Westburo Baptist Church does bring up a good point with their protests and its that inbreeding needs to stop, seriously, have you guys seen their family picture, I can't tell the mommie from the daddy because they all look alike.

I can't wait for these people to die so they can see how gay heaven really is, and you know when they find that out, they're gonna be like, "we rather go to hell" , which is cool because thats where they belong.


Sunday, February 12, 2012

America's Got Talent Audition 2012

Hey everybody, I just did something that I said I would never do again, and thats audition again for America's Got Talent and guess what, I compeletely killed my audition.

It was actually lastnight when we were watching the news is when I decided to audition today.

I mean, I already knew about it but I wasn't motivated at all to be apart of it. I just had such a bad experience from the last time that I was in no way ready to even think about doing it again.

Who knows, maybe theres a higher power who wants to me audition again and left me clue earlier this week.

A co-worker was flaunting around one of those AGT Fast Passes that they give out to promote the show, you know, so you don't have to wait such a long line and they move you right to the front.

Today I arrived at 10:30am and didn't get seen until about 2:30pm.

I came in with the cattle call, registered, and waited around just like everyone else.

Today was my day off from such a stressful week at work so I actually enjoyed my time meeting and talking to other people.

When the producers finally called my number, I was escorted upstairs to the Mezzanine level where I saw the other talent acts in holding.

Everyone was in good spirits which I thought was very good.

I didn't mean to show my green eye earlier in the day but I did. I didn't mention to anyone that I auditioned before so I kept everything present.

When I was talking to an opera singer, "I was like really, you know, they've already had Jackie Evancho and Ellyse from the previous years" .

I know, I had to check myself quick because I wasn't going to let my unintentional negativity fuck up anyones dreams.

So I quickly changed my tune and tried to be more supportive.

I was also thinking how earlier when I arrived this guy asked me to borrow my pen so he could fill out his audition papers and I was like, "only if you got cash" . hahah I thought that was funny. And then the security lady over seeing the line, over heard me and was like, "oh, thats bad karma" .

And I was all, "okay security lady, I was just kidding, I mean hello, I am a comedian after all, thats what we do, gheesh, give me a break" . But then again, all those bad jokes I've told over the years would explain the karma I've been threw.

And you know what, after all that I did give my pen to him so he could fill out his AGT forms.

All of this was going threw my head as I was waiting for my call time upstairs.

They seperated the singers, from the singers with guitars, and other talent acts. There was another SF comedian who went in the same time I did but I forgot his name already, hes pretty new but I'm sure I'll remember him if I see him performing around SF again.

The production assistants were very helpful, as they usually are. I was listening to one of them say to another performer, "Nigel is ready to see you" and I immediately thought, "oh shit, thats the guy who pulled me to perform for the AGT show in Portland, Oregon" ! Todays audition really was turning into karma and fate.

So the p.a. *production assistant* called me into the audition room and Nigel's face was the very first face I saw.

I was actually relieved when I saw him and the first words out of my mouth were, "surprise... surprise" !!!!

They told me to introduce myself and from the time I opened my mouth to the end of the audition, my whole experience with them went great.

I don't really want to say what I said or what I did because the rules of the show don't permit me to talk about it, lets just say the other comedian who was in holding outside heard me from the hallway, he said, "wow, you were pretty loud in there" .


I'm pretty sure I gave them something different from they were expecting from comedians.

I can honestly say that now I have have closure too.

If Nigel and AGT doesn't call me back, I'm be perfectly okay with that. I told them, "I came back to show Howie, Sharon, and Piers that I did listen to their criticism and have a lot more to show them from the last time , so hopefully you guys will give me a 2nd chance" .

It felt great to walk out of the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium with my dignity still intact but I'm sure if you guys ever get to see what I did in there for todays AGT audition, you guys are going to say to yourselves, "what dignity" ?


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

My Heart is Full

I recently asked my facebook friends, "for all my friends that I've met in this life, what is your best memory of me" ?

Heres what they said:

1) Evangeline Kissoon - Ur ability to pull me out of my comfort zone!

2) Briana Darlene - Walking Lake Merritt & eating at Ahn's burger. Lol! And when we went to Great America! :)

3) Brandt Teran - At Sipi when u always acting like u were setting but the ball was no where near you..made me laff u were a character.

4) Natasha EagleStar - Volleyball #10 setup!

5) Lydia Roach - Your hooker strut in shorts in the middle of the winter. Luv U!!

6) Corianna Honena - When I was a child and I meet you at Haskell, when my auntie Holly went there and we was at a dinner and a dog licked you and u screamed all loud and than you give me your Barbie doll. Lol

7) Kathy Peltier - When we were in Jenn's room and we went to the gazebo and hrs later you walked me back to the church and you made sure I didn't mess up my hair. You were such a gentleman :)

8) Elisa M. Suminimo - Going to Kingman with you and Ian. We had lots of laughs to and from. Oh yeah, dinner at El Palacio was a blast as well.

9) Anneka Osife - U playin volleyball @ da gym @ SIHS.:)

10) Karen Corbett - Your Orgasm. Let me know if you need my help again. You're the best.

11) Darlana White - your big brown glasses, blue shorts and white long shirt...oh and who could forget your ponytail :)

12) Kevin Nez - Your Great America video. Dancing hella hard to Bobby Browns My Perogative.

13) Mauro Moura - You scaring the shit out me at Market St. with that big hug Lmao.

14) Valerie Neunsinger - Chemistry class when we use to pass notes even though we sat next to each other lol...u always made me laugh with ur jokes :) Love ya Charlie.

15) Wesley Walker - The airplane move you did at the Bench & Bar... twirl

16) Judy Lujan - Talking to you at the Pow Wow Comedy Jam at Sac State after the show.

17) Michelle Le Brun - One of your psychic readings.

18) Stuart Campau - Your humbleness and lack of egotism..choke choke...

OMG, thank you guys so much, if I die tomorrow I'll know that I have lived a good life.


100,000 Hits - Thank You !

Hey guys, my first, "Being Gay & Native American" , tv clip finally reached 100,000 hits on youtube and I would personally like to thank everyone for watching it.

If it weren't for youtube I would not have a comedy career at all. That little video helped me get work for the past 5 years and it also established me as one of the premiere Native stand up comedians in the United States.

My comedy career really has taken a non-conventional form to success. When I did the Outlaugh Comedy Festival back in 2006, I was told a network executive cut my video from the 8 original comedy episodes to be aired on LOGO that year and when I found that out, I was devastated. It was hard for me to believe that because I knew I had one of the best sets of the Outlaugh Festival that year.

As the fates would have it, LOGO decided to release my video in the form a video podcast, which anyone could download.

So thats what happened. I just happened to search my name on youtube and there was my video. A young girl named Courtney originally downloaded my video podcast and was the first to post it on youtube. Immediately that video started to spread like wild fire. I got messages from different people saying it was being showcased on different web video channels, which to me was amazing.

In doing so, my video 20,000 hits in a short time, most from the Native American community passing it around on Myspace, which was the hot online social network at the time.

Eventually the LOGO Network did air my clip in a special, on a comedy outing in NYC back in 2007, a fan spotted me in a gay night club on Christopher St. and asked me for my autograph. I'll never forget the way that made me feel, I felt like such a big star that night.

This video was my first training on how to start acting/behaving like a celebrity. When Courtney posted my video, I got some nice comments and not so nice comments. A couple of times I responded back negatively to whoever left a rude comment and eventually Courtney pulled the video because of it. I don't blame her for doing so because our exchanges were probably giving her more trouble then she asked for.

So thats when I took charge and downloaded my LOGO podcast myself, created a youtube page, and so on.

From then on, I decided not to respond personally to any comment, good or bad. I figure the comment section on youtube is for the fans/viewers and really, thats their space to express themselves.

What I feel most honored about is how the Native community responded to my work. When I search my LOGO clip, a few Natives created a their own video playlist and listed my video among their favorites with search words like, "Native Pride, Proud NDN, or Funny Indians" , and to me that means a lot because that lets me know I did my job. When I set out, my goal was to give a voice to our Native American community members and hopefully try to make them feel good about themselves.

Over the years, I also had many college students email me who saw my clip in their classrooms. Its nice being subjectified academically because I love how college students and professors deconstruct my work, its very flattering.

I don't mind being known as the Gay Native American, in fact, I have to thank my friend Tony Sparks for helping realize my comedy niche early on and going after it, he really is smart man when it comes to comedy and is a brilliant joke writer. And for everyone who doesn't know, he wrote the, "Smallpox" , and, "Circling" , jokes that made me infamous. And it was those jokes that helped me find my voice.

I was listening to a Jennifer Holiday interview recently and she was a little irritated that shes never been able to let go of her character role, "Effie" , on Dream Girls because shes built her whole career around that musical.

On somedays I know exactly how Jennifer Holiday feels because however much the mainstream entertainment industry has decided to bamboozle my endeavors, all I have to say to them is, "And I'm a Telling you That I'm Not Going" .


Saturday, February 4, 2012

Mr. Happy

I'm supposed to be taking a break from blogging but this idea has been cruising around in my brain for the past couple of days and has been wanting to come out, so here it goes.

Lately on Facebook, I've been giving away free, "Lady Toys" , to all my girlfriends on Facebook. Not personally I mean. I know some of you are thinking, "eww, you mean washing your old toys off and them sending them off" , uh no.

I have a friend who works for Jimmy Jane Adult Toys, which is based here in San Francisco and he gets the hook up on free toys. Of course he never uses the free perk for himself so gives a lot of the store merchandise away to his friends.

So me being the person I am, of course I had to jump on the chance and see if any of my girlfriends needed a, "Lady Stress Reliever" .

So far, more than a handful of my Facebook friends have been hooked up, anonymously of course.

I have to say with all the Mr. Happy's that he sent out, I'm a little jealous that I don't have a vagina so I could use one on myself, more directly a clitoris.

Because I was born a man in this life, I will never know the joy of being able to stimulate my hot cookie with a love iron. : (

I mean I guess I could massage my anus with a vibrator but I know it would not be the same, for one it would look awkward and secondly, I would probably get really tired of having to reach around every time, not fun.

However, because I am in touch with my body, I do have pleasure points, and I know exactly how to use them.

For instance, my G-Spot is at the bottom of my feet, crazy huh.

I never knew this until I spent an afternoon on a massage foot machine at the Santa Monica Pier in Los Angeles, California.

On a comedy outing with my mom, we had some down time and spent the afternoon checking out Venice Beach. We love doing the tourist thing and walked around as much as we could.

After having walked around for so long, we needed a break, and viola, there it was, these pulsating foot massage machines that operated on quarters.

The foot massage machines were pleasantly placed outside a vendor shop, they were bulky looking, with these two big metals plates resting at the bottom of the machine.

When I hopped on and put my quarters in, the sudden vibrations sent a whizzing chill of amusement through my feet until it inspired my body to burst out with a big chuckle.

After I let my uncontrollable laugh out, my mom who was on the foot machine next to me and just looked at me crazy like, "whats wrong with you" ?

I'm very sure I wasn't sexually turned out by the foot massage machines but I can see if this pulsating vibration button was just set a little higher in the body, I probably would have died on that machine, in a good way of course.

OMG, over the next couple of years on my trips to L.A. , I was always sure to visit the Santa Monica Pier and on one fateful trip, the foot vibrating machines were no longer there. : (

Logically any sensible person would seek out a portable machine so they could copy that feeling and recreate it again and again but I decided not to.

After all, I know what kind of addictive personality I have and have other vices I'm trying to get over like chocolate.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Goodbye Horses

OMG, I was listening to this song last night at the club and it made me want to put on my strawberry chapstick.

For those of you who don't know know, "Goodbye Horses" , is the song that serial killer Buffalo Bill prances around to while putting on make up and wearing womens skin in the movie, "Silence of the Lambs" .

Also, I've decided to take a mini break from blogging. I have lots of past blogs to flip through for your reading pleasure, so feel free to check them out. And going by my blog counter, my previous blogs are the most popular.

So I'll you guys again in a few.