Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Staying Positive

I just finished an interview with the East Bay Express, which is a popular social paper in the East Bay.

Rachel Swan, the music editor for the EBX was kind've enough to give my, "Hella Gay Comedy Show" , a little press for their next issue.

You guys really don't know how elated I am about this.

I really don't want to say what I said in the interview because it will all come out next week so some of you curious bee's will just have to wait.

What I can say is that for sure is that this is probably one of the best interviews I've ever done in my comedy career. So big up's to Rachel for taking the time out of her busy schedule to cover my show.


Monday, November 28, 2011

Okay Novemer, I'm Done.

November was a good month for me, I got a lot of shit done.

This past month I came to another milestone in my comedy career, I accumulated enough material for my 2nd comedy album and this time, I'm going to pay really good money to get it professionally done.

My first comedy CD, "Charlie Ballard Live" , was supposed to be released earlier this year but do to the fact that the production crew I worked with didn't know what the fuck they were doing, it didn't get released, so when I'm done recording my 2nd album, I'll probably release a dual comedy album.

This time, I'm not going to force a show just to record it, I'll wait for a good gig to come up and record it when it happens, so from now until then it's just a matter of polishing and fine tuning my new act.

The name of my new comedy album is going to be called, "Rectum" . If any of you are wondering if that title has a meaning to me, not really, I thought it just sounded cute.

Let's see, what else is going on, oh yeah, I think my anus hole has decided to close up permanently because I haven't been using it enough regularly, that sucks.

It's not that I don't want to use it, it's just that I can't find nobody to fuck me. :(

And so, in order to attract more straight men, my fav's, I've decided to grow my hair long, hope some drunk straight guys mistake me for a real girl and decide to take me home with them because we all know once them in bed it doesn't matter if you're a boy, girl or both.

I also started running again, something of which I've been neglecting this whole year. It feels really good running, there are so many positives that come from running, it makes my body feel good, it clears my head, its productive, its good for my writing, and it keeps my ambition intact.

Here's what I mean about running keeping my ambition intact, I told this to my friend Lyndon and he said I was stupid for thinking this.

After spending Thanksgiving with Lyndon, we decided to hit Lake Merritt to burn off the turkey we ate. So while I was doing my run, this older white guy passed me up, so when I got to the last mile, I could still see him a 100 yards in front of me, so I told myself, "you can do it, go pass that fucker back up or give up comedy" .

So of course I picked up the pace and I managed to catch up to him while still finishing a head of him, I was so proud of myself.

I guess I still have a lot of fight left in me to do comedy and needed to prove it and see it for myself.

See you guys in December!


Thursday, November 24, 2011

Adele - Don't You Remember

This is another one of my favorite songs from Adele, she really is a throwback to all the great Capella singers.

Facebook Blog Stats

Hey guys, I created a facebook page for my blogs and here are some of the stats from 10/23/11 - 11/19/11 that, it's pretty interesting if you ask me.

Readers by City:

9 San Francisco
5 Seattle
3 Austin
2 Oakland
2 New York
2 Los Angeles
2 San Antonio
2 Kingman
2 San Leandro
2 Ann Arbor
1 Rowland Heights
1 Oklahoma City
1 Rigby
1 Whittier
1 Kitchener
1 Butte
1 Staten Island
1 Atlanta
1 Waterloo
1 South San Francisco


Readers by gender and age:

Overall readership by gender:
Women 53%
Men 45%

Readership by gender and age:
24% of my readers are women 25 - 34
17% of my readers are women 35 - 44

17% of my readers are men 25 - 34
16% of my readers are men 35 - 44


Here are some popular blogs titles and content:

When I Think of November - Native American
Haskell Indian Nations University - Native American
Zachary Quinto - Gay, coming out, anti gay bullying
Top 10 Clues your Husband is Gay - subtle gay hints
Native Bling - Native American
Whites Invade America - Native American
Happy Birthday to Moms - personal, family



It's no surprise that my best blogs have been about Native Americans and its also no surprise that my best blogs have also covered gay topics such as life, love, gossip, celebrities, and current events.

I do get a lot of readers who I'm not facebook friends with and I really appreciate those readers so please don't be so shy as not to request me as a facebook friend, I'm pretty easy going and very friendly but if you some of you guys do decide to keep your distance, I totally respect that too!

A lot of my comedy fans are women and I can see why, my point of view is very pro-woman and I carry some very strong Native American feminist values.

Its really is nice to see all the cities where my readers come from, I'm sorry facebook didn't capture all the small towns where my readers plug in from too like Peach Springs, Towaoc, Whiterocks, Supai, Lawrence, Fort Hall, Farmington, Gallup, and everyone else in-between, you guys know who are you and thanks for tuning in.

So for now, thanks for reading my blogs everyone!


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Chelsea Lately

Sometimes I really hate the sub conscience because it has a really good way of fucking with you in your dreams.

Take for instance this weird dream I had about Chelsea Handler lastnight.

I don't really care for Chelsea Handler, she is not one of my favorite comedians and I would never ever pay money to see her but that shouldn't suggest that I don't watch her show, "Chelsea Lately" , because I do and that's only because my cable choices are limited, that's why I think everyone should have free world satellite tv, but that's another blog.

Anyhoo, this is how my dream went down, I was in a room and Chelsea was hanging out with her gal pal comedian Sarah Colonna and comedian Mo Mandel.

I remember saying something to Chelsea and she immediately snapped back at me and I was like, "I guess that was kind've funny" .

I can see why Sarah and Mo were in the dream too.

I met Sarah a couple years ago at the Bruce Daniel's comedy show in Silverlake, "Drunk at the Akbar" , and thought she was kind of a snob. I approached Sarah at the bar and was like, "hey, is your name Sarah Colonic" , and she was like, "oh, I never heard that before" , I thought that was so freaking funny. I don't know really know anything about Sarah Colonna other than she's got her head up so far up Chelsea's ass probably because like most actors in L.A., that's how you get work. I've seen Sarah perform and I think she's one of my opposite comedians meaning a lot of comedians don't necessarily like each others jokes because we're either too alike or too different.

I know comedian Mo Mandel from the San Francisco comedy scene and he's done very well for himself. When I was watching him on the Chelsea Lately round table I couldn't help but notice how Chelsea was madly flirting with him, so my guess is that he probably fucked her.

And since I've been in super love with Adele's song, "Someone Like You" , and yesterday I was skirmishing over Adele's Chelsea Lately interview on youtube, I can see how this dream manifested itself.

Why can't I just dream a normal gay person?

Let's take a Freudian look at this dream.

1) I've probably been watching Chelsea Lately because I secretly want my own talk show on E called, "Charlie Ballard Lately" .

2) I desperately want to hang out with Sarah Colonna and be bff's with her so we can have a Haagen Daz fest!

3) I really want to fuck Mo Mandel.

4) Adele really needs to come out with a new album quick so I can move on with my life.

Answers above: 1 & 4


Sunday, November 20, 2011

How to Make a Woman Happy

Hey to all my men friends who love the company of a woman, here are some pointers on how to woo your way into a woman's heart:

1) Make her feel pretty - pick something about her and compliment her about it.

2) Be Supportive - understand what her point of view is and where she's coming from.

3) Be Confident - women are attracted to winners because confidence reflects virility, stamina, energy, vitality, and know how.

4) Have a job - the dead beat days for men are over, women look for independent men who can support themselves because they want to know if you're able to support a family down the road.

5) Be Faithful - women love it when you don't fuck around on them and know your heart belongs to them and them only.

6) Be Truthful - all great relationships are built on trust, without trust you have nothing.

7) Give her a good foot rub
- when you're rubbing her feet, ask her how her day went.

8) Be Handy - if it's one thing women love about men, it's how useful they are.

9) Show You Appreciation - women love love love to feel appreciated for all their hard work they put into everything.

10) Say "I Love You" - every now and then and mean it.


Friday, November 18, 2011

Charlie Ballard Love

Believe it or not, I try as much as possible not to blog about myself, if anyone hates hearing me talk about me, it's me, however, there are sometimes where I'm overcome with gratitude, appreciation, and generous warmth from my facebook friends that I just have to share it with everybody!

There was a poll floating around facebook and I posted it to my wall, here's what my facebook friends had to say, thanks guys!



Who actually reads my posts? Let's see who reads this entirely. Leave me a 1 word comment that best describes me. Can only be 1 word. Then copy this to your wall so I can leave a word about you!

Jo Riley - Sexy.

Tiffany Tsosie - Bold. :)

Mauro Moura - Silly ;)

Marie Hernandez - Free!

Victor Vega - crazy azz mofo!

Desiree Rios - rawr.

M.b. Salazar - traditional

Anneka Osife - Crazy....

Nyhree R. Curry - Unique. . . .

Adela Gott - Whole

Dianne Yeahquo Reyner - Sweet

Michelle Le Brun - funny

Roselyn Jackson - Informative. Lol

Randy Blakeley - superfragilisticexpialidocious.

Briana Darlene - Beautiful! =D

Jessica Tovar - bitch

Tiffiny Tsosie - Funny :)

Melita Fisher - Fabulous!!!

Pamela Mary - Tease

Andreja Benally - S I P I

Beverly Cabral - friendly

Vanessa Salcido - AMC

Jennifer Cross McNeely - dork

Sarah Kissoon - FIERCE

Mary Jean Robertson - Fabuloose

Gary Thomas - uncensensored.

Tim Huffman - themanthemyththelegendthatischarlieballard (hey, its a new word lmao)

Kenneth Freese - DRAMATIC!

Heriberto Luna - Easy...

Sandy Summa - eNTERtaining!

Evangeline Kissoon - GAY!! And u can take it in all sort of context!

Wesley Walker - charliscious

Johnson Livingston - Love all your comments and they are all laughs and serious and being around you made me strong when I felt weak. I admire you and love you darling.

Johnson Livingston - love you and your comments and dislikes, its all on, gurl....

Sirhc Ssor - Determined!

There are days when I want to give up, there are days when I don't know what I'm doing and there are many many days when I think can't make people laugh but one thing is for sure, I want to thank all of you for picking me up at times when I needed it the most! So from the bottom of my heart, Me-gwetch! (Thank You) ♥

Now I have to go find a box of tissue and cry it out!


Thursday, November 17, 2011

When I Think of November

When I think of November, I think of Richard Oakes and Adam Fortunate Eagle Nordwall, leaders of the Native American Occupation Alcatraz movement of 1969. It was on November 9, 1969 they decided to retake the old jail house island based on the treaty's the American Indians made with the United States government, which stated any unused federal land goes back to the Native American tribes.

For 2 years, local Native American college students from SFSU & UCLA held that island until the last 15 occupants were removed in 1971. There are many accounts and books written on the event.

Being from the Bay Area I was lucky to grow up with community members who took part in the Occupation. In the 7th grade, I remember Shirley Guevera (Mono) taking us on a school trip to Alcatraz and giving us her account on what happened. She showed us which prison rooms they stayed in, where they cooked, and telling us about the cause. If anyone has ever visited Alcatraz, there's usually a tour guide service to give an account of the history of the island and on that day, the regular tour guide followed our group as a listener, I'll never forget how special that made us all feel.

The Alcatraz Occupation was an important era in current Native American history:

"While Oakes and his followers did not succeed in obtaining the island, they did affect U.S. policy and the treatment of Indians. As a result of the occupation, the official U.S. government policy of termination of Indian tribes was ended and replaced by a policy of Indian self-determination" . (Wikipedia)

Richard Oakes (Mohawk) circ 1970

Richard Oakes led a short but very inspirational life:

Oakes was shot and killed by a man named Michael Morgan, a YMCA camp manager. Morgan had a reputation for being rough with Indian kids, and apparently did so again in Oakes' presence. Oakes reportedly confronted him, and Morgan responded by drawing a handgun and fatally shooting him. Morgan was charged with involuntary manslaughter. Six months later, charges against Morgan were dropped on the grounds that Oakes had moved aggressively toward him. [2] Oakes died September 20, 1972 in Sonoma, California at the age of 31.[3] (Wikipedia)

Adam Fortunate Eagle Nordwall (Red Lake Chippewa) & his wife Bobbi (Paiute) circ 1960's

I will say this about Adam, the man did beat me to the punch. It's always been my dream to visit England, stick a Native flag into their soil and declare their home Native American country and wouldn't you know it, he did it, several times in fact.

The most infamous place he did it was in Italy, which the Miami News 1973 hailed it, The Discovery of Italy:

"An interesting switch was pulled yesterday by Adam Nordwall, an american Chippewa chief. As he descended his plane from California dressed in full tribal regalia, Nordwall announced in the name of the American Indian people that he was taking possession of Italy 'by right of discovery' in the same way Christopher Columbus did in America. 'I proclaim this day the day of discovery of Italy,' said Nordwall. 'What right did Columbus have to discover America when it had already been inhabited for thousands of years? The same right I now have to come to Italy and proclaim the discovery of your country" . (Miami News 1973)

When the Vatican press got hold of Adam's stunt, the Pope requested a meeting with Adam and on Adam's first sight with his holiness, the Pope extended his ring to Adam and do you guys know what Adam did, he said, "I extended my hand and showed him my turquoise ring" . (KQED)

Adam is one bad dude, now it looks like I'll have to find another way to relive my dream, I guess I can still contract syphilis and spread it around the EU?

On a side note, the SFSU Native American student club asked me to perform and close out there, "We're not a Costume" , exhibit tomorrow evening, it really does feel nice to be apart of something special!

Happy Native American Heritage Month everyone!


Garden of Eden

Here's a fabulous body art painting of, "Garden of Eden" , forget the apple, I want to bite the snake.


Team Nene Leakes

Who does not love and I repeat, who does not love Nene Leakes, reality star of Bravo's famed Housewife franchise series?

Nene was recently on the Wendy Williams show and let everyone have it!

I have to say, I'm starting to admire Nene. When her back is to the wall she manages to hold it together and still be articulate, charming, and above all, entertaining.

If anyone saw the last Housewife of Atlanta episode, Nene got into a vicious cat fight her Sher-ray and coined a catch new phrase, "I'm rich, very rich" .

Go girl, when people start repeating your tag lines, friend or foe, that means you've definitely become a force to be reckoned with.

I'm Team Nene all the way!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Get Off the Air Bitch!

Who didn't see this one coming?

In an apparent backlash, an online petition has started circulating to remove the Kardashian Reality TV off the air because:

"We feel that these shows are mostly staged and place an emphasis on vanity, greed, promiscuity, vulgarity and over-the-top conspicuous consumption," . (Hollywood Reporter)

If you would like to sign this petition, go to this link:


Personally I say good, it's about time anyways, her show prime is just about over and I say let the next teen queen try and do a better job.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Gallery Photo

Some of you may not know this about me but I'm an avid photographer, I love taking pictures of anything interesting. If I ever do a photo exhibition displaying my work, this piece I took last night is definitely going to be in it.


Ricky Luna - The Melt Part 2

Ricky Luna - The Melt Part 1

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Self Interview

I just got through reading an interview about Margaret Cho and was like, "damn, I need someone to do interview with me so I can keep up with that bitch" , haha.. but serioulsy, so instead of waiting for someone to approach me, I thought, why not interview myself?

What did you do today?

This morning I slept in. I had a really good time at the American Indian Film Festival Awards show last night in San Francisco, California. The AIFF in San Francisco is an annual event held at the Palace of Fine Arts. This is a really good community event where you get a chance to see a lot of local Natives and see celebrities. I really like the AIFF because they're committed to the betterment and postive representation of Native Americans in film.

I got to meet Bunky Echo Hawk last night. Bunky is a contemporary Native artist whose artwork was selected as the marguee image for this year's film festival. It was a special moment for me to meet Bunky because not only am I a big fan of his artwork but also because I wanted to personally thank him for all the support he gave me a couple of years ago when my first LOGO clip appeared on youtube in which he helped me pass around, that man really does have a huge following in the Native community. Bunky is a sweet person and he deserves all the success he's worked hard for.

Here's the picture of his painting that was used for the poster, it's actually quite fabulous. The painting is entitled, "Defending Our Way of Life Through Film" . If any of you have ever seen Bunky, you would know this piece also doubles as a self portrait.

Another highlight from the evening was when I got to meet this old lady from the Tule River Indian Tribe who went to Sherman Indian High School, she was class of 1947, wow. I asked her which dorm she stayed in and she said, "Minnehaha" , she also said, "I was there when they started importing Native students from AZ" . I guess the at the time the school was mostly comprised of the California Indian tribes. I love having moments with other Natives like that, it's time like that I really feel connected to so many other people and generations who I have never met.

What's on your plate these days?

I'm headlining the, "We are not a Costume" , exhibit and Richard Oakes celebration at SFSU this upcoming Friday. I'm really looking forward to that, I love playing college crowds because those audiences are usually a lot of fun and the college kids look at these comedy shows as a fun distraction from there final exams.

I'm also looking forward to telling a lot of really good dick jokes.

and oh, why is that?

My reputation as a raunchy, no holds barred, irrevant, shit talking comedian has finally come to fruition, so now, when I get booked, the people know what they're getting.

But that shouldn't suggest that dick jokes are all I go up there with, it's just a small apart of me that I enjoy performing, I mean c'mon, who doesn't love hearing jokes about small penis's?

Most of the comedians I admire have a pretty liberal use of the English language, so why should I be any different?

For me, it's been pretty tough being a gay comedian because it's not a politically correct time to be an out and open queer comedian and what I mean by that is there are a lot of really good professional gay comedians who don't get booked at comedy clubs because of the fact that they're gay.

And what's worse, there's a big double standard between gay and straight comedians. It's acceptable for straight comic's male or female to talk about their sexuality on stage but the minute we bring up our sexuality, it's frowned upon.

A few years back I went to a Sherman Alexie book reading in Oakland and he told a pussy finger banging joke in an orthodox church where his book reading was held. Sherman is a very famous Native American author so I was really surprised he did that. His justification for telling that pussy joke was that the church where his event was being held was non-denominational and not a real church whereas I would never, ever, dared tell a dick or pussy joke in a church, regardless of whose religion it is.

There's is a big reason why all the big gay comedians out right now such as Rosie, Wanda Sykes, and Ellen have been able to carve careers for themselves in the beginning, they all wrote acts avoiding sexuality whereas if they didn't, they would not be who they are today.

Do you know what I think is weird, there really isn't a big gay male identified queer comedian working the scene, the gay male audiences at large have always supported female comedians via Joan Rivers, Kathy Griffin, Caroline Rhea, Monique, Sarah Silverman, Margaret Cho, Judy Tenuta, Roseanne Barr, and the list goes on.

Personally I don't care which demographic comes to my show, just as long as they keep coming in droves, laugh out loud and leave my show knowing they had a good time.

Any other feelings on being booked as a gay comedian?

A while back on facebook, a friend approached me and asked if I could perform for at their wedding and requested that I not include any gay jokes.

Of course I declined to do the event because that would've been like sending me back in the closet. I don't like the feeling of anyone constricting my work. I do joke about sex in my act but there's more to me than just that. And plus I don't appreciate anyone pulling parts of my show that doesn't encompass everything about me.

So do you consider yourself a trailblazer?

On somedays I do but on my most days I consider myself a performer trying to make a living doing my art.

Any words for the future queer comics?

Be smart, know what you're getting yourself into. I remember a veteran comedian telling me early on, "if somebody would have told me all the bullshit I was going to go through in comedy, I never would've done it in the first place" . So really, you have to have a strong determination and will to succeed.

And really, that goes for any discipline.

I use to coach volleyball and saw one of my old students, I asked her how college was going and she said she quit because she knew people finishing with a college degree wasn't a guarantee to them finding a job after wards. I told her there's plenty of people out there with degree's and without and the people who make it are the ones with passion.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Babe Alert!

Everyone go see, "Immortals" , starring Henry Cavill, you will not be disppointed, especially if you're into hot white boys with killer ab's.

I love period films especially when it comes to hot white boys showing off their six packs and wavy hair, yum, so hot.

Look these movie stills and try not to drool.


Henry Cavill

Henry Cavill looking all sexy.

Actor/model Kellan Lutz

Kellan Lutz! Yummo!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Boy George

Hey everybody, one my favorite childhood idols is releasing his new book called, "King of Queens" .

Oh snap, from the press I've read online this book is supposed to be filled with juicy scandalous insights from Boy George's formative years ie George's infamous cocaine habit, keeping that poor boy hooker hostage in his flat for several days, having to wear orange while doing community service, and who knows what else?

"King of Queen's" , hits the newsstand on Dec 12th!

And oh, Boy George has always been the cutting edge of fashion, check out Boy George rocking his book cover in middle eastern garb and it making it look fierce, I always knew those Iranian girls just needed a little eye shadow.


Open Letter to Kim Kardashian

Dear Kim,

I read your open letter to your fans and I'm still personally pissed at your wasteful spending habits, ie your fairytale wedding, especially now with all the rough economic times everyone is going threw.

Like it or not, you're a role model to millions of young people who regard you as a woman of the people.

If you want to do right by everyone, then take that 17.5 million you spent on your wedding and start donating it to charity. There are thousands of people, if not millions, who could benefit the money you can raise for them.

Because if not you're coming real close to the French Queen Marie Antoinette who once told her impoverished state, "let them eat cake" , because those are the kind of times we still live in.

Charlie Ballard

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Adele - Someone Like You

I've been listening to this song all day and Adele had me teetering on tears and heartbreak.

Not every musical artist can do that to me, it takes a pretty special something to make me feel that way and channel that energy to my friends in a positive way.

You go Adele!


Masturbation Notice

This is so funny, enjoy.