Sunday, March 28, 2010

Day 6 - Toronto

I'm so ready to leave Toronto. I was ready to leave Thursday and I tried to but it was too expensive to change my airfare reservations so I decided to stay for the remainder of the trip.

This will be the last time I go this far for a comedy competition. After all is said and done, I'm glad I'm came to Canada. I really did have a great visit and still feel a little sour over the way the competition ended so abruptly for me. But then again, what other comic in competition that got bounced early didn't feel the same way. Just so there's no animosity, I really do want to wish congrats to all the finalist, they chose the right people.

I must've gained atleast 5 lbs since I've been in Canada. I can't remember a time where I ate so much and shit so little. I've been making sure to eat at all the places that catch my eye and to always try something new.

Lastnight I was hanging out at the Comedy Monkey Bar off Bloor st. It seemed very NYC to me because it was a basement club. Afterwards, I walked back through the neighborhood to see what was going on and I came to the conclusion that most Canadians must have car coolant in there veins because I was the only walking around with a scarf and earmuff's. I guess living in cold weather does that to you.

Lastnight was definitely a highlight in the hostel. Some young Australian revelers came back late and were raising cain with everyone. That was honestly the most fun I've had in a while. One of them, went back to his room, stripped down to the buck, covered himself in blanket, came back and was flashing everyone in the tv room. OMG, that was so funny. That sure did a big smile on my face.

This afternoon, I came back from the "World's Biggest Book" , store in Toronto. I have to say I feel pretty inspired. I was reading Charlie Murphy's autobiography, "The Making of a Stand Up Guy" , and how he broke into the entertainment industry. There were some passages in the book where I thought to myself, "yup, I did that, and I'm going threw that right now" .

I must facebook or myspace Charlie Murphy to express my gratitude, that book was a real pick me upper for today.

With that ya'll, I'm out!


p.s. below is quick note I sent to Charlie Murphy:
Dear Charlie Murphy,
I just got threw reading some of your new book and it was a great read. There were some parts in there that I could really relate too like getting booed by a large crowd and how you persevered, thanks, that was really inspiring!

p.p.s and in one of those passages, his brother Eddie told him that Richard Pryor, Red Foxx, Bernie Mac, and some other notables got booed off the stage too, so come to think of it, in that respect, I'm really not in bad company at at! :-)

Saturday, March 27, 2010

New Indian Joke

A lot of Natives get the reputation for not wanting to try anything new or different and the reason why Native's don't like to try anything new is because when we let White people into this country, look how that turned out.

Friday, March 26, 2010

The Gay Adventures of Charlie Ballard

Hey everybody, just came back from downtown Toronto and I had one hell've day.

It started off good. First, I went to, "Hair on a Dog" , on Church street for lunch, it was a pricey but alright. I ordered the mac/cheese and the crispy potato skins. The whole time I was there I was planning my day out with the local paper, I found several comedy open mics to keep me busy threw the weekend.

Before I started cruising the open mics, I wanted to stop by the Canada Native Centre and found it across town off Bloor St. That place was pretty cool, the people there were nice and friendly.

On my way back to the hostel, I stopped by one of the food trucks for a quick cheeseburger. I don't know which country those burger truck people were from but it tasted like shit, it smelt like a burger, it looked like a burger, but something about it was just off. I ate it anyways.

My first open mic comedy outing for the evening was the Hot Box Cafe. That place was off the hook. For that venue, pretty much the whole crowd smokes weed before, during, & after the comedy show. Knowing this beforehand, I tried not to let it bother me. I love performing for stoners but sometimes they just laugh at the wrong shit, not their fault.

After that, I hustled over to Yuk Yuk's to check out the other comedians for the competition, I saw some good ones but I couldn't stay because I was trying to hit up some more open mics. Before I cut out, the owner of the club came up to me and shook my hand, he said he wanted to say hi the night before but didn't get a chance. I thought that was a nice gesture.

Eventually I ended up at McVeigh's open mic on Church St. This was a fun one. I knew it was going to be a hard show because the room was filled with mostly comics and probably 3 audience people. I didn't go on until the end of the show and if any real audience person who has ever sat through an amateur open mic, they will tell you that the show was over after the first five comedians. Knowing that, I tried to change it up and do my gay hooker character, "Sandwich" . It was a lot of fun to do and I really had a great time, I can't say so much for them.

Next I went up the street to the gay area to find some hostel people who were out partying. I couldn't find them so I just came straight home but not before stopping by a gay stripper bar called, "Remington's" , on Younge St. Some of you may remember my Indianapolis and Chicago blog's about my adventures at those gay strip bar's, well compared to those two, this one kicked ass. The guys were bigger, masculine, and not bad looking. It was a full frontal strip club and some of those guys weren't playing around. I actually saw a couple straight women in there too and I thought that was pretty funny. I think every woman should go to a gay stripper bar, it's so empowering and it's like, "finally... real equality" . I was about to leave when "Pier" , a black French/Canadian gay stripper approached me and asked me if I wanted a private dance in the back. He basically said, "I have the biggest cock in town and do full service, safely of course " . That was nice of him to come over but I was so trying not make eye contact with any of those dancers because I didn't want to lead them on, not because I wasn't interested but because I only had like $5 in my wallet and you guys know I'm saving that for lunch tommorrow.

Alright everyone, have a safe weekend!


And the winner is...

Unfortunately, not me. I got bounced out of the Toronto comedy competition tonight. No sweat, I had a great time and got to meet some cool people. On the brighter side, I'm almost sure 99% that I had the strongest set of the night. I literally had the crowd rolling with my Heimlich bit. When and if I get the footage from tonight, I'll post it for you guys. I had a bunch of people come up to me afterwards and tell me that I should've advanced, so I thought that was really nice. Officially, I came in 4th. So no worries and congrats to the winners who moved on, there were pretty good!
Here's some press from their website:
Hump Day Bump
March 24th, 2010
The evening started in the sweltering heat of Atlanta and finished in the hilly breezes of San Francisco. It was hump day, but the crowd felt more like that of a rowdy Saturday night. (That’s the way we like it!)
We had some stellar performances, but in the end it was the dry wit of Andrea Henry (Norton) and screaming antics of Bobby Mair (LLO Winner, Vaughn) that won our esteeemed judges over.
See, look at that, I did get some props afterall!

From my end, I stayed true to form. I went all all out and gave them everything I had. I don't care what the judges and audiences said from the America's Got Talent audition or any of the other hater bullshit I get from industry insiders. They can all kiss my ass. I know I'm on to something good and I know it's just going to be a matter of time before I hit!

On a side note, I gotta another nice compliment on facebook, my new friend Lisa called me a trailblazer because I told her for now, I'm the only Gay American Indian stand up comedian on the scene. Thanks lady! Hey, who remembers when Monique accepted her Best Supporting Actress award this year at the Oscars, one of the first people she thanked was Hattie Mcdaniel. Hattie Mcdaniel was one of the first black actress's to make it big in Hollywood back in the 1930's. So I guess in a way I'm a Hattie Mcdaniel too. I gotta break down shit to make it cool for the future generations, that's cool, I'm down with that!

Alright guys! Stay well and be happy, I am!

Day 1 - Toronto

It's been a long day and I'm ready to go to sleep but not before I update everyone on how my trip is going.

I got up really early to catch my 7am flight. When the customer service people asked me if I wanted to upgrade my flight to first class, without thinking about it I went for it. It was wonderful, I really enjoyed the spacious leg room and all the little extra's they did for us.

When we pulled into the airport, it was pretty easy to get around on the ground transportation. I arrived at my Hostel in good spirits. I could not wait to explore the area. I was looking for a Gyro sandwich but the best I could find was a Lebonese place that only sold chicken shawarma wraps, for anyone who doesn't know the difference between a Gyro and a Shawarma sandwich, they're basically the same thing but from different countries. They both come on a pita bread with either hummas or tzatziki sauce inside, filled with onions, tomato's, feta, cucumbers, and your choice of meat. They're sooooo good!

I went to the comedy competition tonight to check out the competitors. An old comedy friend from L.A. was in town for the event - Paul Ogata, he was performing tonight and ended up getting bounced from the competition. I honestly thought he had one of the strongest sets of the night but I had a feeling the judges would be pulling talent from the Canadian side. What makes me say that you might ask, I looked at their website blog and most of the performers who advanced were 97% Canadian comedians. So how does this affect me for tommorrow? It doesn't, I didn't come up here to pussyfoot around. I'm going all out regardless if they pick me or not. I'm just happy to be here and I'm also hoping there will be a nice Native crowd that will show up in support.

Tonight after the comedy show, I went to the gay area in Toronto. It was alright. I'm sure it'll be more poppin this weekend. The men in Toronto are cute. I'd say they're almost twink-ish, meaning small. I've been getting eyes left and right since I've been here and haven't pursued any of those opportunities. When the time is right, I'll go for it. I think the men can tell I'm not from here and they know I have something different to offer from what they're use to. This French-Canadian guy once told me that Canadian men would love me because they like big burly guys. I've only been here 12 hours and I think that might be true. So listen up all you big girls out there reading this blog, ya'll need to get yo ass's to Canada quick!!! It's party time!!

Alright everyone, I'm going to bed.

Thanks Gwen!

Every now and then I'll get someone who'll write in and tell me what they think about my blogs. And everytime they do, they always make my journey feel less lonely and I appreciate every sentiment they share with me!

This week, here's a response from a good ole friend from high school - Gwen Estrada. We went to Sherman indian High School together, she graduated in 1993, and I a year after. I have such great memories from this Mohave lady. *Don't kill me Gwen for not remembering your tribe, it was either Mohave or Chemehuevi* but at any rate, I always enjoyed seeing Gwen around campus, she had and still has a great smile and very friendly personality. You go Gwen! We never really change do we.

Gwen started reading my blogs and here's what she had to say:
If you have time to read this because i'm sure you must have quite a following but I've just started reading your blog and I love it!!! I sure could have read it long before now because it is so many wonderful things that make me feel good and challege my way of thinking so THANKYOU
Thanks Gwen for reading. My blog readership did go up 500% recently and I'm still wondering where all those readers came from because I get more blog hits than the amount of friends I have on myspace but nonetheless, I'm always thankful for everyone who stops by.

Alright ya'll, I have to go back to work tommorrow and get ready for my next trip to Toronto, Canada. I'm really looking forward to it, it sounds like there's going to be a large native group coming out to support me Wednesday night and I'm really looking forward to meeting everyone!


Thanks Estelle

Hey guys, I tweeted one of my favorite musicians, "Estelle" , for some sympathy, only because she knows what it feels like for anspiring artist to make it in this business. So that's what I tweeted to her and here's what she tweeted back! Thank Estelle! xoxo

CharlieBallard @EstelleDarlings Hey love, can you write me a song about not giving up on your dreams, when the going gets tough, the tough don't give up

EstelleDarlings @CharlieBallard already have, shine on my album ;)

CharlieBallard @EstelleDarlings thanks lady, now I know what I have to do !! xoxo

Friday, March 19, 2010

Taking No Prisoners

Alright guys, my performance ego took a big hit this weekend. Maybe it was karma, maybe it was because the America's Got Talent audience simotamously didn't have there coffee at the same time, or just maybe it wasn't meant to be. But one thing for sure, it wasn't what some shitty astrology column was saying on the flight back to Oakland.

On the flight home I was reading the syndicated astrology column, "Free Will" , by Rob Brezny. Here's what he had to say for my Tauras group:

Tauras (April 20 - May 20)

Some people are here on the planet to find success, while others are here to find themselves. In the big scheme of things, I'm not sure which category you fit into, Taurus. But I'm pretty sure that for the next few weeks you'll be best served by acting as if you're the latter. Even if you think you've found yourself pretty completely in the past, it's time to go searching again: There are new secrets to be discovered, in large part because you're not who you used to be. So for now at least, I encourage you to give your worldly ambitions a bit of a rest as you intensify your self-explorations.

Are you serious? I thought I was done finding myself back in the 90's, you know, like when I came out've the closet, sobered up, and got serious about finishing college. And I'm pretty damn sure I found myself again when I decided to be a stand up comedian.

And no, I'm giving up my worldly ambitions because I have too much drive, passion, and determination not to give up. Smoke that. This makes me mad. I don't care what planet's my houses are in. I refuse to have my life decision's dictated to me like they know what's going to make me successful or not.

I'm charging ahead regardless, and I'm still going to remain positive, upbeat, perky, and unabashed. I haven't given up and I'm still going for it!


If only it was that easy

I was on recently and had this really great converstaion with this guy named Jay, he's pictured above and from Romania. This conversation couldn't of come at a better time, I was really in need of some cheering up! Anyhoo, he's really cute, so check our converstaion, enjoy:

jay_woo: i`m new here
jay_woo: just chattin
jay_woo: you?
Me: same
Me: just looking to chat and meet new people
Me: what time is it in Romania?
jay_woo: 1 a clock soon
Me: am or pm
jay_woo: it`s night
Me: oh, so you're up late
jay_woo: i will go too sleep soon
jay_woo: ;)
Me: that's cool
Me: i know what that feels like
Me: thanks for saying hi
Me: xoxo
jay_woo: not cool
jay_woo: i sleep alone
jay_woo: ;)
Me: too bad you're not with me
Me: i'd snuggle up with you
Me: :)
jay_woo: :)
Me: I'm sure I could keep you warm
Me: you're too cute to be single
Me: what's your problem?
jay_woo: i don`t know either
Me: haha
Me: well you know what
Me: i think we could just be a match
jay_woo: yeah, yeah
jay_woo: marry me
jay_woo: ;)
Me: yes
Me: haha
Me: thank you for asking
Me: now I can die
Me: i've always wanted another guy to ask my hand in marriage
Me: finally.....

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Who Wants To Know A Secret?

Who wants to know a secret? I just got through doing a tv taping for NBC's "America's Got Talent" , in Portland, Oregon., and it was pretty memorable. I got maybe two jokes out before the crowd started booing me. Crazy, huh! I would compare that experience to performing at the Apollo except I got booed off the stage by white people. Am I upset, no. Am I glad they invited me to be apart of the AGT experience, hell yeah! Don't forget to watch this season, I'm sure they're going to turn my story into a great piece for television!


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Crazy Heckler

I really hoped I worked out the kinks for my upcoming audition this week because it sure didn't feel like it lastnight at the Deluxe.

I stopped by ladies comedy night the Deluxe for a quick 90 second routine. The last girl comic got off the stage from the regular show and the audience pretty much cleared except for a few stragglers. So my job was to transition the women's show into the open mic portion of the show. Sounds easy enough right?

Well this obnoxious blonde bitch sitting in the front row with her friend began to get mouthy with me. She said she was just joking and I started railing into her and told I was just "joking" too. Obviously I wasn't and neither was she. So the next thing you know we both got into a ferocious cat fight in front of everyone. I think the crowd on my side because we were both telling her to sit down and shut the fuck up. So the next thing you know the drunk blonde bimbo was escorted outside for disruptive behavior.

My time was up and I passed the mic to the next comic, poor guy, I'm sure that was a little tough to follow because of the foul mood we created for everyone.

After that I was ready to bounce, I was parked right outside and guess who was still outside having a tiff over being told to shut the hell up, that's right, you guessed it, the blonde bitch. Her friend, the brunette was totally cool, she was telling the both of us that we should kiss and make up. And I was like fuck that, "your blonde friend was being rude, obnoxious, and belligerent and there was no way she was gonna get an apology from me" . So then me and the blonde bimbo started going at it again.

To make a long story short, the brunette flagged down a cab and got blondie to jump in with her, but not before we before left with heated exchanges.

So, this guy, whose a friend from their group was trying to calm me down. He told me not to pay attention to blondie because she's crazy. He went on by saying she's cuckoo in the head and that if she isn't drunk that she always medicated or on crystal meth. Then he said it was the brunette's birthday and when all her friends pulled a no show for her birthday party, she had no choice but to call up blondie. After he told me that, I was like, "look, the next time your friend decides to go out, tell her I said to leave the blonde bitch at home" .

Yesterday was just weird. Maybe the full moon had something to do with it? Who knows? Dang, and I was having such a great week too.

No worries, I'll bounce back.

Peace out everyone!

Sunday, March 14, 2010


Wow, I got my new frames today and I love them! Anybody ever see the movie "Pleasantville" . Remember the scene with the lady in the tub and after she found her g-spot, everything around her went from black/white into color? Well, that's exactly how I feel right now!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Friday Night

Hey all you bloggers, blog readers, and blog enthusiast. Today is Friday and I'm feeling fine. I got my Lisa Stansfield youtube playlist going and all is groovy in the jungle tonight.

I just came back from running and now I'm watching "Dreamgirls" on TNT.

This evening I purchased some new frames, which some of you will be seeing very soon on the tube! Yay! Sometime tommorrow or Sunday I go in to get my Mohawk fixed. I'll definitely be sporting my urban Native look for the people, gotta represent!

My Canada trip is coming up soon and I'm really excited about it! It sounds like I'll be a having a great native crowd from the Toronto area coming out to support me. The weekend before I go up I'll be doing a benefit for the HRC Fund on March 21. The HRC - Human Rights Campaign is a gay non-profit:

The Human Rights Campaign represents a grassroots force of over 750,000 members and supporters nationwide. As the largest national lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil rights organization, HRC envisions an America where LGBT people are ensured of their basic equal rights, and can be open, honest and safe at home, at work and in the community.

I'm all about donating my time to great causes so I can't wait to do that show!

In the meantime, I'll be up to usual trying to conquer the world with my stand up comedy!


Thursday, March 11, 2010


The weather has been really cold lately. I can't remember my legs being so chap in a long time. I finished my evening run and came straight home. It's just too cold to be out anywhere. Usually in the evening I'll hit up an open mic or something but I don't know, I'm just not in the mood.

I'm trying not to be complacent with my writing and other stuff going on in my life. Speaking of which, this week I'll be getting new glasses and fixing my Mohawk. I'll also be going to the Goodwill to find some cute clothes. Say what you will about Goodwill but I just love the vintage Goodwill look.

It's about time I started buying new clothes anyways. Anyone who seen me around the bay area will tell you that I always wear the same sweats. No more of that rubbish. But trust me, it wasn't my choice to keep wearing the same clothes all the time, it's just something I had to adjust to since I came home from school. I know I'm leaving out some details as to why I keep wearing the same clothes but oh well.

This week the Game Developer convention is in town. So basically it's a professional geek convention. And dang there were some hot geeks eating in my restaurant today. Our store was packed and I was like, "I need to date a gamer" . But as well all know, most gamers are straight just as most athletes are bi. I really couldn't tell you why that is? Maybe it's because the geeks never got a chance to develop their sexuality? I don't know but I will tell you this, there were some geek cuties out today.

Alright, hope you're all doing well!

Stay warm if it's still snowing in your part of the country!


Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I'll be honest, there are some days when I second guess my decision to become a stand up comedian. Even when I was riding around with Shawa Romero my last week at Haskell in the summer of 2003, ever before I started this journey, I remember saying to her, "Dang Shawna, can you see me being a stand up comedian" , and she said back to me, "yeah, why not" ?

I got some really fabulous news today and unfortunately due to contractual obligations, I can't say anything until I get the green light to start blabbin away. I'm really excited because I'm going to get another shot at super uber stardom. Other than that, I can't say anything like the who, what, when, where, why, and how. But when I do, trust me, whoever reads my blog will the first to know.


Mathew Santos

One of my favorite songs not too long ago was, "Superstar" , by Lupe Fiasco. The guy who sung the chorus in the background was Mathew Santos. Tonight Mathew Santos he was doing a solo performance at the Club Deluxe in SF. He actually wasn't that bad and he was kind've cute too. Here's Mathew Santos doing his thing on youtube, enjoy!

Letter To Dan Savage

Okay so one of my favorite newspaper columns is, "Savage Love" , by Dan Savage. Forget Dear Abbey and her bullshit. Dan is prints a sex advice column that is filled with juice, dirt, and sex from all walks of life. I've been trying to get him to publish one of my submissions for a while and I think I might have finally cracked his code. Below is a recent submission of mine, it's very me, real, truthful, sincere, and most of all, authentic. Enjoy. Otherwise, you can catch Dan column's here:

Hi Dan,
I recently had an ephinany. I think I'm holding onto a lost dream or a lost cause. I'm a 35 year old gay male whose lately been averaging having sex with other men maybe once a year if I'm lucky. Why? I use to be a complete bathhouse, video arcade, parking lot, truck stop hoppin sex driven All American slut until I realized that wasn't my lifestyle anymore. This isn't a politcal stance, I'm not personally protesting my dating life until gay marriage is a federal law or anything, I mean hello, I'm not Jesus. I just wanted to prove to myself that gay men don't need to lead that old slutty lifestyle to feel furfilled. No pun intended because I was furfilled and filled many times for that matter. And yes I always played safe because I've had a clean bill of health since 1992. Anyways, I feel like I'm alone on this neo bohemic homosexual journey. Is it me or will it take gay men decades to stop being hard wired about sex and start listening to their hearts? I ready to dump this new mantra and go back to old gay status quo.

Dry on the Inside and Outside
Charlie Ballard

Friday, March 5, 2010

Stood Up

OMG. My Filipino shorty stood me up, he never emailed me back. I'm so sad. I was really looking forward to meeting him. I wonder why he didn't follow up, it must've been the picture I sent him above?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Love Life Is Picking Up

Yay, I have a real date this Saturday night. I just met this Filipino guy online and I think we're a match. His name is Alex and he's 5'10 Filipino guy from SF. Of course there's a catch, he's into husky gay guys. Lucky me.

What's funny is, when I was checking out his profile, he was checking out mine and we had some moments in our conversation when we really connected. Like when I told him I was a big fem bottom and he said he was straight acting top. Haha. Trust me, it doesn't get anymore perfect than that in the world of gay dating. That's so awesome.

And this past week I finally deep fried the Lumpia sitting in my freezer that I bought from Safeway last week. If some of you guys don't know what Lumpia is, they're like small eggrolls packed with meat, they're really good. They turned out great. The trick to deep fry them while making sure the vegatable oil is on a high heat.

Yeah, I guess it's about that time of year where I start getting back into my mating rituals. Maybe buying that Lumpia was my higher self's way of saying, "get ready to start nubbing on some Filipino eggrolls" .

Next time I'm going to buy corn dogs.



More than anything for the next couple of weeks I have to keep my big mouth shut because I don't know how everything is going to play out. I have some really big auditions coming up so if everything goes the way it's supposed to, than I really won't be posting blogs on here for a while. Which is good I think. It's funny because when shit isn't happening for me, I can blog like nobody's business. But now that shit is finally happening, I feel furfilled and don't feel the need to air out any of my shit, but I totally will anyways cause you know I'm going to be telling everybody, when I can of course.

Here's some public news, later this month on March 24, I'll be representing the American professionals at the Yuk Yuk's Great Canadian Laugh Off Comedy Competition in Toronto, Canada. I sent a pretty big email blast and from what I heard, it sounds like a lot of Native people are coming out to support me!

Oh, you know what. I totally went back to chatting on Haha.. I'm such a sucker. My handle is charlie4love. That handle is actually kind've a rip off from someone else on there, his name is Adamforlove. He's part Korean and lives in Seoul. He's really cute too. Anyhoo, I was soo inspired from my conversations with him that I changed my handle to be somewhat like his. The downer is he lives way in Seoul, Korea. I told him that if things work out between the both of us, I'm going to visit him. Why not? I just got my passport so really I'm good to go anywhere. I should probably start taking Korean language classes.

I'm also confirmed to perform at the Gathering of Nations Powwow - Stage 49 venue in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I'll be performing on Friday/April 23 and Saturday/April 24. My performance times are going to be around 5pm. So if you're in the area, come check me out.

Let's see, something else really big is going on,.... oh yeah.. I forgot, it's a secret.