Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I put a spell on you

Its 10:00pm Pacific standard time and they are only 2 more hours left for 2013.

Hmmm? What remnants shall I blog about for this past year?

I guess for me, 2013 was year of the cyber stalker.  Thanks facebook for opening up everyones private life and letting complete strangers view their photos, videos, and personal status updates.

I just logged off facebook and got thru stalking this super cute guy who I see around the comedy scene in San Francisco.

I know I know, I can just feel all the warranted judgements for sharing that last thought.

I can't help it, I've always been nosey about people, ever since the 7th grade when I use to intently stare at yearbook photos for days, just wondering what made these people tick.

And do you know whats crazy about that, I caught myself doing the same thing in college.  Except that time, it was more intense and there was magic involved.  Sometime in 2000 I saw this guys photo in the Haskell yearbook, honed in on him, and when I finally got to see him in person, he could not take his eyes off me.

I'm pretty sure I unwittingly casted a spell on him.

If I didn't end up being a stand up comedian, I would have made an awesome VooDoo Seduction Priestess.

Anyhoo, getting back to my favorite facebook guy, hes cute.  I would love to drop his name but we all know I can't.

The one thing that I have learned in all my gay years is that you never and I mean, never tell a guy that you have the total hots for him because he will eat you up alive.  I guess thats what happens when you end up revealing yourself to the wrong person.

I would really hate to keep that kind of mojo over myself for 2014, so heres to taking more chances and going for it!  A friend once said to me, "you can't win the lottery if you don't take a chance" .


Sunday, December 29, 2013

Charlie Ballard's Blog is too Gay !!!!

Tonight I cleared my browser viewing history and had to manually type in my url blog address, which is:


and then guess what happened, my page got re-directed to some bible thumpers website, wtf?

This can mean only one thing, my blog must've caught the attention of some weird right wing Christian computer hacker whose been trying to redirect my traffic to his page.

I think thats awesome!

I should be pissed but I'm not.

I mean, I knew I hit it big time earlier this year when I received an award for being one of the Top 50 Gay Bloggers for 2013 so I guess this is just another consequence for a being visible queer voice.

So in honor of some religious dumb nut trying to over on my shit, I'm going to finish the rest of blog with a religious topic and how apripo for me to blog about the recent events in Utah!

I would like to say a Big Big Congratulations to all the LGBT's in the state of Utah, who were allowed to get married.

Utah is not Gay Marriage friendly, that shit had to be shoved down their throats, like everywhere else.

A couple years ago when the LGBT's of California were trying to defeat Prop.8, which was a state measure put on the ballot that didn't allow gays to marry in California, many many Mormons sent money to the anti-gay marriage organizations to aid their campaigns.

We all know how that turned out, those fuckers just wasted millions of dollars on a lost cause.

And because California set the land mark ruling in the U.S. Supreme Court, it cleared the way for any Gay couple to get married in their state, all they have to do is challenge their states law and thats exactly what happened in Utah.

A Gay couple didn't want to travel out of state to get married, so they sued the state of Utah and won!

And on a personal note, I hope all the LGBT's who were ex-communicated by the Mormon Church got some kind of satisfaction from Utah's gay marriage victory, I know I did.


Saturday, December 28, 2013

Duck Dynasty & the Gays

"Duck Dynasty" , has been in the news lately for some the anit-gay remarks made by one its cast members.

For those of you not familiar with Duck Dynasty, its a reality show based on this family who made their fortune inventing the duck call whistle for duck hunters.

Lets just get into it, what self -respecting Gays even watches this show in the first place?

Why do we even care what these ZZ Top beard wearing hee-haws have to say about anything, just look at the photo below, do these guys even look like our supporters? (even though the last couple on the right side looks like they could be batting for our team)

This television show represents one demographic (white, country, & poor) and the last time I checked, those muthaf*ckas lost in the last election, which is really where it counts.

So they can keep boo hoo'ing all they want about the Gays, they already lost.

Britney Lip Syncs Las Vegas

The reviews are in from Britney's debut show at the Planet Hollywood Hotel & Casino and that bitch lip synced.

What a rip off.

Has anyone checked the ticket prices for her shows at the Planet Hollywood Hotel & Casino, I have and for that kind of money not only should Britney be singing live but she should also be showing some titty.

Seeing as I'm not one of Britney's die hard fans, I would never pay that kind of money to see her but if I were, I'd be really disappointed.

I mean c'mon, if I wanted to hang out with lip syncers, I go to a drag show.

p.s. Britney, your debut outfit was very 1990 Blond Ambition, with the matching blonde curls and all, don't let Madge find out.


Friday, December 27, 2013

2014 Resolutions

With a new year upon us, I wanted to take the time to list my personal goals for 2014.

1) Car.
2) Good job.
3) New friends.
4) New Clothes.
5) Lose Weight
6) Learn a 2nd language, maybe French?
7) Get more film work.
8) Have casual sex with a Boy Toy/Boyfriend who has a big cock.
9) Write clean material.
10) Spend less time online.
11) save money
12) travel less
13) Visit Atlanta for Pride.
14) Have sex with a sexy movie star, hopefully he'll be an A lister with a big cock.
15) Go to an Adele Concert.
16) seduce at least 5 of my good looking straight guy comedy friends, big cocks not necessary.
17) be less of a bitch.
18) yeah right to #17
19) date a cowboy with a big cock.
20) peace & goodwill to everyone but really #19

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Monday, December 23, 2013

My Year in Review for 2013

Its that time of year to reflect back on my 2013 discretions.

1) The beginning of 2013 didn't start out that great for me, health wise.  About this time last year, I began sweating profusely in my sleep, which as it turned out, was caused by bronchitis and a sinus infection.  It caused my breathing to be erratic which left me severely depressed.  Finally after a couple trips to Highland Hospital, an ER doctor properly diagnosed my illness, gave me the right drug prescription and the healing process began.  I say properly diagnosed because I also went to the free clinics where they tried to put me on anxiety and high blood pressure pills.  Currently, my hyper-tension is under control and I am not waking up from my sleep anymore with shortness of breath.

You guys really don't know the anguish I went thru, nothing of which I would ever wish to relive.  I'm just happy that part of my life is over.

2) From January to June, I was still on unemployment and enjoyed every moment of it.  When my unemployment checks stopped coming, I went back to work as a Tour Guide with Big Bus from July to October.  I really enjoyed working with the tourist but just felt at the time that job wasn't right for me.

3) From April to June I filmed my first movie called, "All the Others Were Practice" , which is due out in 2014.  The director, Brian Tolle, approached me to do this movie via email in 2012.  So when the ball got rolling, I was super ecstatic even to be involved in this project and the fact that I got to be the star, that just rocked my world even more thinking about it!  I also dabbled in another production as an extra for HBO's, "Looking" , but when your the star of your own project, being an extra can leave a sour taste in your mouth.

4) In February, I surprised my mom by flying out her sister Beverly from Virginia Beach to L.A. for a mini vacation.  That was a fun week.  I tried to get them on the, "Price is Right" , for the sibling special but I forgot to ask the both of them to bring their Social Security cards, which I think ruined their chances of getting on the show.  But just looking at this picture below will tell our trip went just fine!

5) In another trip to L.A., I got show tickets to see Kathy Griffin Live and ended up winning 100$ for participating in a celebrity game with Actress Jamie Pressly.  I also won Jamie's big blonde wig from, "My Name is Earl" , which I used for a comedy show in Sacramento.

6) I kept myself busy producing many Hella Gay Comedy Shows for 2013.  Our best theme show this past year was, "Gay for Pay Comedy Show" , which featured straight comedians performing gay comedy.  It turned out to be one of top 5 Hella Gay shows of all time.

7) Looking back on 2013, I sure went to L.A. a lot this past year, in March I went to Irvine, California., to watch my comedy idol Margaret Cho work out new material at the Irvine Improv for her current tour - Mother.

8) For all of this past year, I didn't have any sexual relations, at all.  Mostly because I didn't actively pursue it and most of all, because no muthafucking guy would ask me to suck his dick.

9) I finally got some foot fungus pills for my toe.  This was a long time coming.  You guys really don't know how long I've been battling toe nail fungus, ever since I began contracting fungus to my toes at Sherman Indian High School back in 1988, its been a real battle trying to get rid of it.  Its a good thing I finally took care of my feet because in November I caught this cute guy checking out my flip flops.  I wanted to snap at him for even looking but I was kind of proud that at least someone was looking, I was so ready.

10) With some money that I made from comedy, I decided to visit some old friends in Arizona.  It was a nice to see them and I also gambled heavily in Las Vegas on the penny slots machines every chance I got.  I gambled so hard that I ended blowing my entire wad and I don't regret it one bit.  Usually when I travel, I always invite my family or friends to tag along and for once it was nice to spend money on myself.  While in Vegas, I did see some great shows and got to run around!  I also get did my palm read on Fremont St., she said I was going to have to big career moves in 2014 around April and September of next year and also, that two romantic leads will be coming into my life, whoo hoo I can' t wait for that!  This picture below was taken at the Flamingo Hotel, when I saw those legs I could not resist.

And that was my year.  For 2014, I'm going back to work full time and want lose the extra weight I've been putting on.

Have a good one everyone!


Sunday, December 22, 2013

When in Vegas

I just came back from Las Vegas where I was reminded of those subtle little gender roles we place on ourselves.

For example, when I was on Fremont St., I went inside this casino where all the card dealers were busty 20 something hot chicks showing cleavage.  As I passed them all I could think was, "I hope they're making more than minimum wage" , most likely not.

On my way out I looked behind the cashiers cage and they were all filled with these 50 something haggy Grandma's who couldn't take their eyes off the go go dancers, probably reliving their glory days watching those young pretties shake their tassles.
About an hour later, I found myself at the Rio Hotel & Casino to attend an all male strip show called Chippendales.

Now does this make me a hypocrite for chastising the display and objectivity of one gender and then relishing in another because it suits me, no, it makes me an equal opportunity chauvinist.

After the show I found myself playing penny slots and then something caught my eye, male cocktail servers.

How refreshing.

I pulled one of them aside and said, "its really nice to see guys running drinks" .

And then he said, "well before, we use to dance on the platforms but it made the customers feel uncomfortable so it stopped"  .

And all I could think was, "who would be uncomfortable with that" ?

Seeing as how I was in Sin City, its kind of hard to place a value judgement on anything because well, its Sin City, thats why people go there, to dissolve any social peer pressures and celebrate in debauchery.

Regardless, I still left broke.


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Nolan Funk for Versace

If any of you didn't know, I'm a big fan of Versace.  And oh yeah, fine white boys too.  Heres Nolan Funk of Glee fame, the new face of Versace.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

I Am Thankful

I can feel the tar baby around me feeding off my negative energy.  Poet Joy Harjo said the best thing to do combat that energy is just to ignore it.

So rather than sit here and entertain those creepy thoughts, my back up plan is to reinforce my brain waves with positive vibes, such as the things I'm grateful for in life:

I Am Thankful
by Charlie Ballard

I am thankful that I can still love.

I am thankful for the hidden blessings in life because if we all got everything we wanted than how would we ever learn from our mistakes?

I am thankful for IHS *Indian Health Service* , accessible healthcare for Native Americans is da shit!

I am thankful for the sacrifice of our ancestors.
I am thankful for all the men who've ever said no to me because thats one less STD for me to worry about.

I am thankful for having the willingness, compassion, & desire to want more out of life and not ever be complacent.

I am thankful for Adele's music, that lady can write and sing.

I am thankful that I made it to age 40 without having a heart attack.

I am thankful that I've been able to see my classmates do well in life.

I am thankful that I was asked to be the lead in an independent movie.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Chick Fil-A & Gay Marriage

Ever since the LGBT's won Gay Marriage in the State of California, I've been wanting to rub it in Chick Fil-A's face and here was my chance, enjoy. 



Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Native Comic Strip # 12

Native Comic Strip # 11

Excuse My Beauty, pre-interview questions !!

Hey all, my VLOG interview with Stephanie Yellowhair aka Excuse My Beauty will be happening very soon! Stephanie is giving her fans a chance to ask her a question which she'll answer in our interview! Do you have a question you would like to ask her? Please list your question below and we'll be picking a lucky few people to get their questions answered!   

For those of you not familiar with Stephanie, a few years ago she was busted on the now defunct reality show, "Cops" , for allegedly stealing some balloons, her arresting altercation which was caught on flim made her a web-superstar, giving many memorable lines in her legendary viral video, "Excuse My Beauty" , which has garnered her over 1 million youtube hits.

Heres a note from Stephanie about our upcoming interview, is anyone else excited?

"Soon enough I'll be interviewed with, "The Charlie Ballard Blog" , I ask respectfully for questions that are kind. Submit your questions for Excuse my Beauty with Charlie. Ill shine light on some of the coveted hoax stories youve all heard side ways. Dont know exactly when but soon Daulins. I know the Excuse My Beauty show didnt exactly make me a, "sensation" , but Ive definitly embraced it and am having fun with it. Thank you Loves. -Stephanie-"

Be sure to follow, "The Charlie Ballard Blog" , to see this fabulous interview with Stephanie!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Charlie Ballards new headshot, literally.

I did new headshots with photographer Andrew Moore.  I love working with Andrew because he brings out the best in me.

2014 Two Spirit Powwow - San Francisco

Our 3rd annual Two Spirit Powwow in will be happening on February 1st in San Francisco.  We had a great turn out last year so everyone is invited to attend, especially our Two Spirit community members who want to dress in tribal regalia and powwow.

This dance is safe place where our community can gather without judgement and celebrate our culture!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Adam Levine - Sexiest Man Alive

My favorite White boy got the title this year.  I'm not in love with him like I use to be, mostly because of how he jilted a gay singer for flirting with him on the Voice, it came off a little homophobic, but nonetheless Adam is still fine.

The underlying question my readers should be asking themselves is if I find a man whose so attractive and I think hes a homophobe, why support him? 

Answer: I've always been attracted to homophobic assholes and 99% of the time they've always turned out to be faggot fuckers.


Native Comic Strip # 5

Native Comic Strip # 4

Native Comic Strip # 3

Native Comic Strip # 2

Native Comic Strip # 1

Hey ya'll, I made my very first Native Comic Strip, please share if you guys like!


I can feel it coming.

This past week while I've been preparing my set list for the Redding Rancheria gig and while I've been going thru my old comedy journals looking for gems I just felt this sense of discontent will all my past work.

In all my old comedy journals I saw lots of Gay jokes, dick jokes, Native American jokes, Gay Native American jokes and so on.

I just didn't see the range I've been striving for.

Even tonight as I hit a comedy open mic, I caught myself isolating my topics to the same ole shit I keep going back to.

And now, the biggest clue that I'm changing again is how I've managed to enstrange myself from the other comedians, which has been a strategic move on my part.

All the comedians who hang out together think collectively, they keep borrowing ideas from each other, thus repeating and recycling the same crap over and over again.

So for me, because I've isolated myself from them, I can clearly feel huge waves of independent thought coming my way.

And not just for me but those who are atone to it as well.

Michael Jackson used to have this same fued with his main rival - Prince.  Michael would say I need to write songs down and capture it before Prince does.

So there you have it, the creative universe is moving.


Thursday, November 14, 2013

Dr. Travis Stork AKA Doctor Hottie

I saw Dr. Stork on his tv show, "The Doctors" , a while back and he was saying how women need to be careful when they wipe their ass while taking a shit because if they wipe forward, toward their coochies, they can track shit into their vagina's which can lead to infection.  He didn't necessarily say it like that and he used medical terms, but you guys know what I mean.

So, what made me laugh was when he said that men should be careful too and that they could track shit into the tip of the penises and also end up with infections.

Now heres what made me laugh.  You guys all know I'm a homosexual, right?  Well, I ain't never had any complaints yet with any man sticking his you know what up my you know where, so Dr. Stork is trippin.


Tuesday, November 12, 2013

10 Fascinating Facts About Charlie Ballard

1. I sold the most candy bars in my 7th Grade class and won a huge chocolate candy bar.

2. I'm single because I'm scared of love. 

3. I've never met another Tauras I didn't like.

4. I'm not as funny as people think I am.

5. I love my Indianess.

6. I pick my nose and eat my boogers.

7. I've never slept with a woman.

8. I was almost ran over as a kid, the tires skimmed my toes nails and peeled them off.

9. I'm a direct descendant of Chief Pontiac.

10. I look young for my age.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

How to Write a Popular Blog

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately and it seems like the only way any random person gets any press in the mainstream is if:

- they mention that their event/experience involves a cause, lets say I wanted to promote a comedy show, somewhere on the flyer it would mention, "a portion of the proceeds go to the endangered banana slugs of the Congo..."

- "Nobody likes a winner" , the best reading are uplifting stories about people who pulled themselves out of the gutter and somehow make 200k a year.  No one wants to read about some dick head whose always doing well.

- you're white.

- "The Freak Factor" , any special niche would do.  Are you a one armed Jewish, poly-religious zeno-morph whose been reincarnated into the worlds #1 Marilyn Monroe Female Impersonator?

-  Being at the right place and the right time ready with your camera phone.  I don't how many random events on youtube I've seen with a million hits from a person whose quick to record with their camera phone.

- Any topic that is sex related does very well.

- Gossip queens such Perez Hilton, TMZ, OMG Yahoo have the highest rated blogs, who doesn't love to read or make comments about celebrities.

- Start a blog about the basic necessities such as weather, food or the human condition.

- post a topic, event, picture before the rest of the world becomes in the know.  Being a head of the curve has it advantages.

- do it the old fashion way, suck the editors dick for whatever periodical you're trying to blog for.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Serious Player

It never occurs to me how serious I am about my art until someone mentions it.

I do socialize with a lot of artists in different diciplines and at different intervals in their lives, lately in conversations they've been referring to me as somebody whose actually doing something with their passion and it makes me feels good.

I guess in some odd way its the validation that I've always yearned for in this big party we call life.

Story time.

I haven't always been this motivated and ambitious, I had to learn it the hard way.

When I was 18, I received my NDN money and held onto it as long as I could because I didn't want to be one of these typical Natives that blew all their money on partying or crashing their cars.  For a brief second I did the smart thing and invested all my money into a mutual fund and enjoyed receiving dividends from time to time.

But that wasn't good enough, something was missing, my niche in life.

I knew the money I had was a big distraction so my dumb ass thought the best way to find my lifes path was to get rid of it because it felt like a crutch.  So thats what I did, I met up with some old high school friends in college and the next thing you know I had 5.42 cents left in my bank account.

I figured the only way I could learn passion, drive, ambition was if I made myself completely broke and started from nothing.

Believe it or not, when you're broke you learn the value of a dollar real fast.

At the time, I was fumbling in & out of school and working minimum wage jobs.  In the back of my head I kept telling myself I'm better than this.

Looking back, if I had that same amount of money today I would certainly not do those same things but as you guys can see, without those life lessons I would not be the person I am today.

There is still so much to learn.  I need to learn video editing, graphic arts, a 2nd language, and so on.

Right now I do feel accomplished and it certainly didn't happen over night but I know I still have much work a head of me and I welcome it because baby, I ain't living in my dream house and I sure ain't driving my dream car, so until then, #eyesontheprize muthaf*cka's, eyes on the muthaf*ckin prize!


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Banksy - San Francisco Residency 2010

I am a huge fan of Banksy and lately hes been tagging up NYC with his wonderful graffiti art.  His work isn't just graffiti, his pieces do have a message, which all great art work generally does.

I was hoping he would come to San Francisco but it looks like hes already been here.  So here are a couple pieces around SF that I want to share with everybody, if anyone knows his repertoire than they would tell you his personal space is covered in anonymity, no one knows who he is.

While working as a Tour Guide in SF, I did have a visitor tell me that hes from Bristol, England.  With that being said, I wonder if hes cute?


               This one is sits above Columbus and Broadway

This one is in Chinatown and has now been defaced by taggers, ironic if you ask me.  The defaced work of this piece is right below this one.

I haven't been to Alcatraz in a while but now I want to look for when I head over there!

I'm always in the Mission, I'm surprised I haven't seen this on Valencia St. anywhere.

Monday, November 4, 2013

World Coming to the End, not yet.

For the past couple weeks, this seems to be the theme on everyones mind.

Very recently dead starfish are popping up along the shores of the West Coast.  This could be viewed a sign to the end of the world.  However, I'm pretty sure the Western states are now feeling the affects of Japans last big earthquake in which one of their nuclear plants ended up dumping their waste into the water.

And now the milk in Hawaii is 10$ a gallon making people believe the end of the world is near.  For one, Hawaii has always been expensive, from their hookers, to their many tourist traps, and now there milk, thats nothing new.

This past week my mom visited with one our neighbors who is growing watermelons in his front yard.  Hes a good grower.  While explaining his crop growth, he said, "this is how you know the world is coming to an end because the leaves are turning brown too quickly"  .  But then again, isn't that the usual cycle life for plants?  But he was able to grow watermelons in his yard so that was pretty amazing in itself!

All the signs may point to the end of the world, as I'm sure they've been pointing for a while.  But one thing is for sure, the world will not be ending anytime soon, how do I know this, because I still yet to find a cute boyfriend.  If any of you know my personal dating life than yes, you could take that a sign too.