Friday, April 30, 2010

The Diet Blogs

I started a new personal project this week, dieting.
I created the Charlie Ballard Weight Loss Challenge page on facebook and so far I have almost 100 people signed up. To see what the buzz is about, go to facebook and find the page! It's going to be a lot of fun. I can't wait! What makes this new venture different from my previous efforts is that it's going to be an online group thing. So for the next couple of months, my blogs/vlogs will revolve around the dieting and excercise theme! My diet doesn't start until tomorrow so I have another 12 hours to binge.

In other news, I'm attending the Eagles concert tonight at the San Jose HP Pavillion. We got some really great seats so we're looking forward to it.

Lastnight I got to host the Brainwash, that was pretty fun. It was a tough night for most of the comedians but not me. I think I finally tapped into what people like and realized that you don't have to put yourself completely out there to get a laugh. But that sure as hell didn't stop me from doing my trademark titty flash and hopping on some guys lap!

Alright everyone, have a great weekend, I'm gonna go find some potato chips.


Kung Fu Panda Wisdom

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Something Personal

There are some songs out there that move me so much, they make me want to perform them in drag and this is one of them. For me, every drag performance comes to me in some kind've inspiration depending on how I'm feeling, it's never a thing where I just to put my heels on and go lip sync. There's always a motive or muse behind it, for this song, a long time ago at Haskell circ 98, a vision came to me where I wanted to be decked out in a wedding dress, somewhere outdoors in a glorious flower themed wedding and just when I'm about to marry the man of my dreams, I get stood up at the alter. So this song is dedicated to everyone whose ever been dusted by love!


Saturday, April 17, 2010

Dos Julia's

Hey everybody, I'm watching the movie, "Julia and Julia" , with Meryl Streep again and it still leaves me with goose bumps. My favorite part of the movie is when her story gets published in the NY Times then she comes home and finds 65 messages on her anwering machine like:
- I want to publish your book..
- I want to make your story into a movie..
- are you going to make this into a one woman show..

That's so awesome, I wish I got messages like that, instead, I get stuff like:
- this is your Aunt Dee, tell you ma to call her sister..
- I am no longer a bail bondsmen, I lost my license..
- wake up Char, I know you're there..

Between me and you guys, I can't keep worrying if "it" is going to happen. I'm just going to keep living my life and keep doing what I've been doing.

Have a great weekend everyone!


Thursday, April 15, 2010

New Vids with Awet Teame

Charlie Ballard and Awet Teame Part 5 from Charlie Ballard on Vimeo.

Charlie Ballard and Awet Teame Part 6 from Charlie Ballard on Vimeo.

How to Make Love Like a Gay Man

Okay, this blog is for the ladies, inexperienced Gays & curious straight guys who want to enjoy having Gay sex. I'm going to be sharing the tricks of the trade on how to satisfy your man, from a gay mans point of view.  I'm sure we've all heard this expression, "only a guy knows how to satisfy another guy" , so if you're reading this blog hoping it's going to be dirty, nasty, and informative, then keep reading.  If any of you do decide to use these tips, always play safe and use protection.

1) DC.  First, do a dick check.  Before you even think about fucking around with a man penis, grab it and feels for bumps or anything else strange. Bumps will indicate herpes and if his crotch smells than that means he has bad hygiene.

2) I'm not gonna lie, most men like the middle finger up the butt. An old friend told me the anus has a bunch of nerve bundles centered around the hole and this is what makes the anus very sensitive. For the ladies who've never noticed, when a guy is thrusting from behind, he's not thrusting with his dick, he's actually thrusting from his ass, so if you've ever noticed from behind, that's why his ass cheeks are clenching when he's thrusting, he's actually pushing with his anus g-spot, which tightens with each thrust, the simple fact of having a finger up there, causes some serious tension which makes him push harder and thus making him shoot his load a lot further and a lot harder. Some guys like it, some guys don't. The only way to find out is to stick your finger up there and see what happens. If some of you are asking yourselves, does this make my man gay if he begins to like it, no, but if your man starts wearing your pantys on the regular, then yes, he's hella gay. SPECIAL NOTE - a lot of men don't like to wash there asses thoroughly so don't let that detour you, if you do it and he likes it and he wants to you to do it again, then tell him he had better wash his ass the next time!

3) This one has been tried and true. Ladies, do you know why straight men like to sneak around behind your backs with us gays? It's because they know we give the best blowjobs. And not just any ole blow jobs either but the best. Now here's what you do, this one is called the wash and blow. Basically, grab a beer or soda, or any drink that has carbonation in it, first, take the cold can or cold bottle and press it up against his dick, the cold sensation from the can/bottle is going to make his dick rock hard if it already isn't, then take a swig of your drink and then do down on your man. The men fuckin love this, they love the sensation of the bubbles on there penis and can't get enough. Some of you may have to practice this one and don't worry about the drink spilling down the side of your mouth while you're blowing him, if anything, he'll like it more because it makes you look like a dirty slut, which they love. After he blows his wad in your mouth, it's your choice to spit or swallow.

4) Pre-Cum. When guys get turned on their dicks get hard and secrete pre-cum, its usually just a little bit right at the tip of the penis.  When guys secrete pre-cum this is how you know they're ready to fuck.  What I like to do before any kind of intercourse begins, reach into pants or underwear and gently grab his cock, then with your thumb rub his pre-cum starting with the head and begin to lather the rest of his penis.  The guys love this and actually get harder.

5) Keggles. I know most OB's tell women to do these exercises after they give birth to tighten there pussy's back up, so why not use those same keggles exercises in bed to blow his mind? Really ladies, it's surprises me how many of you don't know about this. I was giving this talk to some gals I use to work with and they said when they tried it, they noticed a change in his breathing during intercourse. Absolutely, their breathing changes because you're controlling the penetration with your kung fu grip vagina. Try this and you'll notice his breathing will change ever time you twist and turn his penis inside your sugar walls. And really, when you get the hang of it, you can do this from any position you want, you just have to remember to clench your pussy while his dick is inside of you and to keep twisting around, remember these words ladies, (clench, twist, pull, release, repeat...) Obviously you can also do keggles with your anus too otherwise how would I know this?

5) "How do I take a big dick" , I'm glad you asked. Well really, taking a big dick can be very dangerous if not done correctly. Honestly, the first time I got poked, it hurt like hell and I cried. I never wanted to do it again and fortunately for me, I had this hot Italian guy school me on the way to having good anal sex. Now pay attention ladies, this isn't just for anal, this is for the vagina's too, especially if you're a virgin. The best way to take a big dick for the first time is to straddle your man while he's laying down on his back, and then you're going to slowly mount his cock like you're riding a horse. Before you do, make sure his dick and your vagina/asshole is well lubed. Now here's the trick, tell him all he has to do is just lay there. You're in charge, that's the key. You're going to gently slip his big cock up your pussy/asshole very slowly and take as much pressure as you can. If you feel a slight pain, then go back up, and try again. Then keep repeating those last steps until his entire cock is up your pleasure garden. See how this works? This should only take about a 1 minute to 2 minutes to adjust, and then after that, you can do it in any position you want, literally. For the advanced, no lube is needed for a regular sex partner because your walls will have adjusted to his dick size.

6) Ladies, guys do not like a dead lay. So if some of you ladies are inclined to lay there and not do shit, your problem isn't screwing, it's being lazy.

7) If your man needs help on how to pleasure a woman, please direct him to a butch lesbian.

8) Cut or Uncut?  Men with their original foreskin are referred to as uncut, men who were circumcised at birth are referred to as cut.  Generally speaking, men are who are uncut last longer in bed.  The extra skin around their penis makes them work harder to bust a nut.  Strangely enough when you give an uncut guy a blowjob you'll notice hes extra sensitive down there.  For those of you planning on going down on uncut men, beware of dick cheese.  Some uncut men don't take care of their penis's and wash it thoroughly.  Men who are cut shoot their cum faster and last only 3 minutes.  However, there are some men who are cut that can fuck for hours.

9) Ladies, I didn't list this above because I know most of you will never ever ever do this but men love their assholes licked. I'm not going to lie, men fuckin love this. But because a lot of guys don't wash their asses properly, I wouldn't advise doing unless you know him and know he has good hygiene. Some of you may have noticed men like to do this to you and its because women take better care of there anatomy, am I right? Another taboo why most women will never do this is because the fear of being labeled a dirty ass slut or having your man never respect you, let alone ever looking you in the eye again. The only thing I can say to that, I have always felt that women are the more dominant gender, and when you lick your man's asshole, thats your way of saying, "I'm the one whose in charge, you're the bitch, not me" . And I love making eye contact when I see them days later because that's how you own it.

10) Toys. The best gay sex I've ever had with another man was when he was fucking me in the ass and reached around and jacked me off at the same time. Ladies, you will never know how this feels because you're not equipped. On the upside, you can simulate this gay sex act with your man. Some guys want their girlfriends to fuck them in the ass with a strap-on or a dildo. For those of you who do, I suggest taking your boyfriend/husband to an adult toy store and pick out a nice strap-on for his pleasure. I say start small, undoubtedly your man won't be able to handle a rubber dildo more then 4' inches but if he's feeling adventurous, fuck it, get the 8' incher. If you do decide to go with a bigger dildo, refer back to #1 & #4 above on how to take big dick, go slow and give him time to adjust. So, as your slowly fucking him with a strap on, reach around and start stroking his cock. This really is a great anal sex act, if you don't believe me, watch how far he shoots his load across the room when he cums. You can also change it up, you can also jack him off while fingering him, using a dildo on him, or using strap-on as described above.

There you have it, a few years back I wanted to give women this sex talk seminar from gay man's point of view at Good Vibrations, which is a national dildo store that promotes healthy sexual relations but I guess they weren't interested, their loss.

p.s. don't forget to play safe everyone, use rubbers and good judgement!


Things not going as planned

I had to end my vlog project in a manner of speaking. There were just too many schedule changes that were unforeseeable.

Instead, I pitched another Vlog idea to the afterelton website, I have to send in another audition tape and we'll see if they pick it up. What will it be some of you may be asking yourselves, it'll be something like the Gay Hollywood Minute. It's just going to be me doing a weekly review on the stuff going in the entertainment industry. Even if it doesn't get picked up, it's going to be a lot of fun to do.

Let's see, what else is going on with me? Hmmmm.. I sort've went on a date lastnight. I can't really say with who but let's just say, if you guys really wanna know, you don't have to look very far. When we hooked up, we were just hanging out, getting to know each other and it was kind've fun. I was teasing him and he was teasing me. Somewhere in the night I was like, "just shut up and suck my titty's because I know you're into trannies" , and then he said, "I probably would but you got fat guy titty's" . That's fucked up huh? That's okay, I got that mutha fucker back, after he told me he has HPV, I was like, "don't worry, I'm sure the HPV isn't happy with being on your balls either" .

I did manage to end the night with a kiss and nice parting gesture from him, whoever said romance was dead has obviously never been flashed with some rugged ass butt cheeks. Trust me, you guys had to be there.

With that, have a great evening everyone!


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Date Night

Ladies... have you ever had this happen to you... you're on a date with a guy, everything going's great, he educated, pick's up the tab, opens the door for you, charming, is a complete gentlemen during the whole night and then right at the end he says to you, "I have HPV, most people get turned off by that, are you okay with that" ? That happend to me lastnight and then I was like, "oh..." . Then he asked if I wanted to hang out again and then I was like, "no... I have to go do a triathlon in the morning" ...

Happy hunting everyone!


New Stand Up Video by Charlie Ballard

So before you guys watch this video, here's the background.

Basically the show business industry has decided to bamboozle & cockblock my every effort to be a stand up comedy star. One network even told me be to less gay and then that same network turned right around and put this straight comedian who did parody of what an exaggerated gay comedian is like on one of their shows. I know right, wtf?

So here's my response, I can do gay "over the top" way better!


Monday, April 12, 2010

3 of my Favorite Things

OMG! Has anyone seen the new Giorgio Armani underwear ad campaign featuring Cristiano Ronaldo? Holy Shit! I think it must be springtime already because my hormones are raging.

FYI - for everyone who reads my blogs, please don't always assume that I blog about big dicks and Margaret Cho all the time. Sometimes I like to throw in a little knitting too.

So above are 3 pics of my favorite things, in no particular order:

A New Day

And what I mean by that, I just deleted my account, again. I was talking to this Latin guy from Beverly Hills and something just clicked in my head that I was wasting my time with this website and probably the whole internet all together.

I just realized I could be learning another language with all the time I've been wasting on here. I mean hello, that is why I got a passport in the first place, is it not?

So that mean's less blogs from me. I know, I'm sorry guys. I can't keep living my life on here. But it was fun while it lasted? I think I gave you guys some pretty incredible stories over the years, some true and some not so true, but nonetheless entertaining.

I'll leave you guys with this. On my last week on, I did manage to chat with this gorgeous guy from Italy. What attracted me to him was his default picture, which only showed a picture of his abs, that was good enough for me. As it turned out, he was really nice and ended up sending me some great pictures of his giant cock. I kid you not guys, I felt like I struck gold.

When he instant messaged him back, I was like, "OMG, you're cute and have a big cock, you're like a unicorn" !

He really liked that. So with that, I suggest everyone stay less on the net and start living your life the way you guys were meant to, it's time to unplug and go off the grid.

Signing off.


Homelss and Sexy

Alright ya'll, here's a new music video by a new comedy rap duo called, "Abraham Linkin" . Some of you guys may remember Will Hatcher from some of the interview videos we did a while back in the SF library. He was the youtube video sensation from Florida. Here's another one of his comedy music parodies that he's infamous for.

This song parody isn't very politically correct but then again, what is?

In some odd way, I can relate to this song because usually when guys try to hustle me out on the streets, he's usually homeless.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


You know what guys, my blogs have really changed since I've started writing them a couple of years ago. There was a time when I use to write some real smut going on in my personal lovelife and I miss those days.

And lately, that part of my life hasn't been as lively.

One of my co-workers did inspire this status update on facebook page a couple of days ago:

Public Service Announcement: Attention straight men, if you get easy when your drunk, please stay away from me, otherwise I will fuck you

One of my old friends Gina asked me where that line came from? It came from this guy I work with. He is such a trainwreck, without dropping names, he's probably one of the most interesting people I've worked with in a while.

This last time I saw him, he just came into work shit piss drunk and still hungover from the night before. Okay, this is how drunk he was. Our restaurant recently changed our work clothes and he was still wearing our old work clothes. It was classic. Talk about sticking out like a sore thumb.

So I had to ask him if he's the type that gets easy when he drinks and he said, "I sure is" . And then I was like, "cool, we should be probably grab a drink afterwards" . That really put a sparkle in his eye, but then again, considering that he was still shit piss drunk, the gleam in his eye was probably all the light trapped inside his drunk dialated pupils. Atleast he was chipper about it.

Needless to say I didn't wait for him afterwork. If I had pursued him sexually, I probably would've felt really guilty if something did happen.

Oh fuck, is something wrong with me, I sound really boring.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

New VLOGS coming

Yay! We just finished shooting our first Vlog for today, I'm so happy with the way the shoot went. I'm on my way right now to go drop off the footage to a video editor. And then it's back to shooting our next videos this weekend, I'm hoping to knock out 2 birds with one stone!

Alright, I can't wait to see how these turn out. I'm sure it's going to be fun!


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Today's Positve Affirmation

I knew I was flipping around the Bravo channel for a reason today. I found this week's inspiration from Project Runway Season 5 finalist Jillian Lewis:

"I know that everybody thinks they're going to be the next great thing but I really really will be and I won't have it any other way"

Thanks Jillian, I know that episode is a couple years old but thank god for re-runs because that's exactly what I needed to hear this week!


Dancing Again

I use to dance a lot in the castro and somewhere along the way I lost my urge to get down.

Lastnight I managed to bust a move @ Club Q in the Castro and had a pretty good time. Club Q used to be the Phoenix, and then it was the Bar on Castro, and now it's the Q. It's still the same place but now it's been remodeled into a video bar. Instead of everyone checking each other out now they stare at the tv monitors.

DJ Jorge Terez was booming his hip/hop and R & B sounds. That man sure knows how to make me dance. I wasn't not feeling when I got there but as soon as he started bouncing the rythms, I was like, "hey now" !

While the other young queens were bopping there little hearts out, I was doing my old school strut and all slow & sexy. It was cute, "hey now" !

In other news, this week I'll be working with some SF comedians for a sketch comedy vlog on

I'll post those video's as they come along!


Another Margaret Cho Dream

Does anyone else dream about this bitch or is it just me?

Before I get into what happened, these are the events that lead up to my dream. Whenever I get home from long day at work, I'm always sure to take a hot shower before I go to bed. Mostly because I can't fall alseep good if I feel sticky, warm or hot from an exhaustive day at work. Lastnight was no exception, I took a shower and my bed linen felt light and fluffy, knocking me straight into REM land and plus I was sure to add a cool cover right on top of my base wool linen. As it turned out, I used the right combination of blankets to put me to sleep.

So anyhoo, back to the dream, this was actually a fun one. We were at a motel with a big pool. I saw her walking around the poolside acting all snooty and I was like, "whatever" . So she was standing right by the pool and I said, "hey Margaret, is it okay if I push you in" ? She didn't respond and instead she just stood there with a mischievous look on her face. So I took that as a yes and proceeded to push her in the pool. After I pushed her in, I let out a personal scream and said to myself, "OMG, I can't believe I just pushed Margaret Cho into the pool" ! And then I just laughed. I remember the sun being out and it was such a bright day outside.

So in the next scene she was coming out've the pool and I was hanging out with her entourage by the stairs. She was walking towards the stairs and I was like, "hey Margaret, can I take a picture with you" , and in true Margaret Cho form, she kept walking. I think I remember her entourage chuckling after she snubbed me.

End of dream.

Now mind you guys, in real life, she'd probably stop and to take a picture with any of her adoring fans but since the only impressions I've made upon her are that of annoyance, I guess that's what I've come to expect from her, and trust me, she delivers everytime.

Thinking back on it, I really did get pleasure from innocently pusing her into the pool. That's so me.

And honestly, tonight I really don't care who or what I dream about, just as long as it's entertaining. I just got home from working a long 12 hour shift and my corns are killing me. So if she wants to come back into my dreams again tonight, then I'm sure I can find something else to push that bitch into.


HRC Photos

Hey guys, below are some of my favorite pics from the HRC show I did in San Jose recently.

photos by BayAreaEventPhotography


Choo Choo! Tonight, I don't think anyone saw this trainwreck coming a mile away for the 11th Anniversary show at the Brainwash Cafe. I had so much fun I could just spit.

From what everyone was telling me, there were plenty of onlookers taping from there phones or flip camera's. We'll see what pops up on the web in the coming days, and when it does, I'll be sure to post the link. If you some of you have respect for me or keep me on a high pedestal, get ready to buck me off.

I have no regrets, no shame, and no time for haters! I'm all about the love and having a good time!


Toronto Pics

Hey guys, I just loaded my Toronto pics to myspace, check em out!
Here's one of my favorites from the trip.


Sometimes I'm just flat out amazed on how far some audiences will let me go when I'm doing crowd work, mind you, I'm not talking about bantering either.

Seriously, for my last show in Toronto at the Fox & Fiddle, I was doing my sexual simulation scene on some straight guys lap and he's was getting a total kick out've it. Of course afterwards I thanked him for being a great sport and his other straight guy friend said I was the funniest comedian tonight. It's small little victories like these that make me love what I do. Oh did I mention I also brought this straight girl to the stage and was basically doing the same thing with her too?