Saturday, April 30, 2011

Aho All My Relations!

In my Native culture, the medicine wheel represents many things, the main things it represents is the people and unity.

Sometimes we like to think we different because of the color of our skin, our gender, our sexual orietation or maybe because speak different languages. And believe it or not we're connected in more ways than most people think.

Each of us represent a small piece to this puzzle we call life.

It's important that we all get along, love each other, and respect each other because without it, we feel void and empty.

Real happiness comes from being connected to each other and feeling whole.

Aho All My Relations!


Florence + The Machine

Here's one of my new favorite's. I can't wait to see her in concert!


Friday, April 29, 2011

Margaret Cho Lately

Uh... that would be nice if Margaret Cho had a talk show but seriously, I was not thinking of Chelsea Lately when I came up with the title for this blog.

So anyhoo, it's Friday night and I'm downtown SF headed over to the Punchline to watch Alex Reymundo, I know, I don't know who he is either which is why I'm going.

I was checking out Margarget Cho's fan page and came across these photo's, they're really cool.

This first one is when Margaret was on 30 Rock this past week. Are you kidding me? Margaret Cho as Kim Jung Il, wow. I had to chuckle when I saw this photo because look below at the next one.

I humbley nominate Margaret Cho to be the president of the Kim Jung Il club. Ruthless dictorship and bad haircuts not necessary to be a member.

I didn't know Margaret was a guest on Rupaul's Drag Race, I probably would have known that if I actually watched the show.  Rupaul use to have a Variety show on VH1 which was way better.  I'm guessing Rupaul is finding other ways to reinvent herself on tv, go Rupaul.

Of all the photo's I came across this was by the coolest. This is how you know you're the shit. If you become a huge super successful celebrity then I guess you get your own cartoon. I really love this one because it shows off her tat's.

I haven't quite gotten to cartoon status yet but I did once get cartoon caricature by my new friend Alan Bosco Ocampo.  If I ever go cartoon status and get tat's, I'll definitely make sure my tats are noticeable.

I'm only comparing my show business life to Margaret Cho's because its either her or Big Bird.


Signs of a Bad Wedding

The signs of a bad wedding:

1) The pastor says, "do you take this man to be your husband... yadda... yadda.. yadda.."

2) Your getting married at the Church of Scientology.

3) Top Ramen was a dinner option.

4) This is your 2nd marriage in the last month.

5) When you look at the design on the dinner plates, those aren't frogs leaping over each other.

6) Your wedding ring turns you into a midieval sociopathetic troll.

7) You wake from a drunken stooper and see a tattoo on your lower back that's says, "just married" .

8) There's a sign at your wedding reception that says - No Host Cash Bar.

9) When Martha Stewart heard how you doubled your kids Bar Mitzfah with your wedding, she just about died.

10) When the pastor says do you take this woman to be your wife for the rest of your like, you say, "Fire" !!!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

OutLaugh Comedy Festival 2011

Hey guys, I got booked for this year's Outlaugh Comedy Festival on opening night, you can see the rest of the performers and the schedule on the website:

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Back on the Saddle

Today was the day that I finally got back into my running regimen.

And of course it had to start on a day when I thought I was running late. I got to work and arrived 30 minutes early.

Thank goodness I got cut early, I'm always a mess in the morning if I don't shower because my body smell's, my hair is going every which way, and then I have to put on my happy face.

When I got home, I decided enough was enough, it was time to go hit the lake, which I haven't done since January or February of this year, yes, it's been that long.

What made me stop a while ago? I think my body just needed a break.

I've been running/jogging around the Lake Merrit in Oakland since I graduated from school. And in between I'll usually take a short break to give my body a rest, I mean, for goodness sake, I'm not training for a marathon or anything, I'm running because I enjoy it.

When I finished my usual 2 mile course on the outside track, I could feel my thighs tightening up. It's a good thing I spent 30 minutes stretching out beforehand otherwise I would've been hurting bad.

After my run, I went to KFC for a 2 piece meal. Yes, this is my usual routine after I go run. I have to be careful about that but today I was hungry. And besides, I got the grilled chicken meal so it was just that more healthier to eat. I can't say so much for the potato wedges and 3 large refills fruit punch I gobbled down with it.

I know, it sounds like I eat like a pig and I probably do but on some days, I give myself a lot room to splurge out.

This week I really got my food binging under control. I've been drinking nothing but water, eating salads, and have been snacking on fruit. And you know what people, I took 3 good shits because of it. Yeah, healthy eating does that, it really moves the digestion track.

So that's why I didn't trip over eating the KFC potato wedges & Fruit Punch that came with my meal. My go to's this week have been banana's, 0 Calorie beverages - water/Sobe/Vitamin Water and so on.

My lungs held up pretty good today. I didn't have any problems breathing like I thought I would. The past couple of months I've had this nagging cough and congestion. It really sucks. Instead of going to the doctor like any normal person, I've just been holding out and have been taking over the counter cold/flu medication. I know, I need stop being an Indian about it.

I'll go see the doctor next week when my work picks up. I can't see him because work has been so slow & I didn't make enough hours to make my health insurance payment this week. Scandelous, huh. Trust me, I've been threw this with my part-time health insurance already, those cheap bastards.

I can't wait to go see the doctor next week. I've been putting everything on hold recently and now it's time to reclaim my life again.

Speaking of which, my lunch is about ready to come out.

Have a good one everybody!


Monday, April 25, 2011

Easy Squash Hummus Recipe

Hey everyone, this is my last blog from Earth Day in San Francisco. As you guys can see, I attended a lot of the events.

Below is an easy squash hummus recipe from Earth day chef - Lisa Books-Williams.

Lisa was part of live cooking demonstration that showcased eco friendly green chefs. I was there when she made the hummus and let me tell you guys, it was delish!

Everyone should try this recipe, Lisa makes vegan food tasty!

You can see more of her delicious recipes and info on her website:


Easy Squash Hummus
By Lisa Books-Williams
♦ 1 zucchini, peeled and chopped
♦ 1 yellow crook-neck squash, peeled and
♦ ¼ cup raw tahini
♦ ¼ cup fresh lemon juice
♦ 2 garlic cloves
♦ 1/8 cup olive oil
♦ 2 teaspoons cumin
♦ 1 teaspoon Himalayan or Celtic sea salt
♦ 1/3 cups raw sunflower seeds, soaked in
pure water for 2 hours, drained and
rinsed (optional)

Blend all ingredients together in food processor till smooth. Chill for 1-2 hours beforeserving.

Enjoy with raw veggies and/or crackers. Hummus will keep for two days in the


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Bag Monster

Just came back from the Earth Day Festival in San Francisco and here's another guy I ran into, the Bag Monster!

This guys is really awesome! He has a great website on reducing the use of plastic bags which is very damaging to our environment. Click his video below to see what he's about, also visit his website:

Chaske Spencer

Hey all you Twilight fans!

Today I decided to attend the Earth Day in San Francisco and guess who was one of the speakers - Chaske Spencer!

He's one of the wolf pack members from the movie and he's just as fine in person as he is on screen.

Chaske, who is a Lakota Sioux, was on a panel speaking about his nonprofit organization - United Global Shift which works to sustain Native American communities and reduce drug and alcohol addiction.

Here's a clip from the panel below:

Week 17

Today's Weigh in: 265

OMG, are you serious? Yup, that's what it said. I'm hoping most of this week's weight gain is do to water weight. But I can't ignore the fact that I stuffed my face like a pig this whole week.

I'm not losing sight of anything.

This was my week to purge and I just did just that. As of Thursday, I quit drinking soda again and have been going threw the sugary withdrawls that goes with drinking soda pop.

I was at one of my usual spots and ordered a panini sandwich. I know that's what did me in this week, that and the nachos, donuts, candy bars, and soda that ended my short splurge.

I got it under control so I'm going to keep moving forward and hope I can stay on track. It's been really hard for me guys.

I'm still under a lot of stress and am trying so hard for it no to affect me but as you guys can see I'm still backsliding. I'm hoping my situation will improve in the coming months and I'm sure it will, with or without the weight loss.

Still going strong!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Cellphone Freak

This is how you know you're a Cellphone Freak:

1) checked your cellphone while driving.

2) held up a long line because you were busy checking your cellphone messages.

3) talked on the phone while trying to order food.

4) put your cellphone on speaker while you talk.

5) dropped your cellphone on the ground and had to replace it 3 times in the same month.

6) one side of your head has high levels of radiation due to excessive cellphone usage.

7) you're on a family plan and you're the only member.

8) you've tried to use the vibrator ring tone for a personal vibrator.

9) you acted somebody called you on your cellphone when they really didn't.

10) you would absolutely die if you did not have your cellphone.

Prince William - Wedding Day Jitters?

Prince William was a no show at his wedding day rehersal.

Maybe Prince William saw Kill Bill Vol.2 and thought to himself wedding rehersals aren't such a good idea after all.

Not really, Prince William was reportedly on duty at his RAF Search and Rescue Station. Fortunately his little brother Harry was able to step in for the 30 minute run threw. (

My bet is Prince William is more worried about carrying on the family seed.

Recently reporters asked Prince William when he would be starting a family with his new bride and in fashion like any soon-to-be groom, he grimaced and shook off those personal questions with a whimper and nervous wince.

Well handled William. Whose answers questions like that anyway?

Why didn't the paparazzi just flat out ask him, "Prince William, when you are you going to start dropping it like's it hot" ?

I'm sure such a more informal question like this one would've gotten a better response from him.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Native American Puns

I found this on youtube, it's from the Fresh New Faces Laugh Factory in L.A.

Anyhoo, I thought this was worth a look see.

This is Rob O'Reilly doing some joke puns on Native Americans.

The only reason why White comedians get away with telling these kinds of jokes is because most comedy audiences are always White. This is mainly because White Americans make up the majority of this country. That's how racial humor works. If you have enough of your people in the audience, you can literally get away with being the Hitler of stand up comedy. And that goes for all the demographs.

Now here's the flipside.

Below is a video with Native comedian Larry Omaha. He gives his perspective on how Whites see Native Americans. Notice how Larry goes after Gay Native Americans at the end of his set.

And here's what the Gay Native American comedian Charlie Ballard has to say but who does Charlie go after at the end of his set?

Yeah, that's right, cheeseburger's!

Here's the stepladder of how racial humor works.

1) White comedian make fun of Native Americans,
2) Native American comedian make fun of Gay Native Americans,
3) Gay Native American comedian makes fun of Cheeseburgers.
4) Cheeseburgers give everyone heart disease, so in turn Cheeseburger's ultimately win.


I Fucked Up

Okay so yesterday was my first day on the FA diet and I did pretty good threw out the whole day until I decided to attend the Janet Jackson concert, which was amazing by the way.

I'm still waiting on some photo's from another attendee, I'll post those pictures when they become available.

So anyhoo, I'm at the Janet Jackson concert and I'm like, "well this is a party, so who am I to bust up this party with my whiney little bitch diet plan" ?

right.. right....

So I went straight to the concession and ordered a big tray of nachos, a soda, and a snicker's bar.

It's probably a good thing I ate that stuff in the hallway because it made me extremely gassy, which might I add, none of the healthy food that I ate earlier in the day did not.

I'm really bingy when it comes to snacking.

After the concert, I got a donut and then went to McDonald's for a Big Mac meal.

So when I woke up this morning, I just gave myself an extra day to get on board.

It probably didn't help at work this morning they had us sampling new items from the menu. Let's just say I got a little carried away with the ice cream dessert.

Which leads to where I'm at right now.

I'm at Peet's Coffee House drinking bottled water and snacking on a fruit/cheese tray.

No matter how I bad slip on whatever I do, I always know it's managable.

Have a good day everyone.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Random Diet Blog

My FA diet started today.

Here's what I ate today.


House Salad
w/ chopped red peppers, corn salsa,
2 oz of steak with apple Chipotle Vingerrete dressing.


2 Banana's
2 bottle of water

Cup of Clam Chowder Soup
4 oz of Ribs
and one small piece of bread lightly toasted

Fruit & Cheese snack tray from Starbuck's
1 Large bottle of Ethos Water


On the FA diet, the main thing is not to eat flour and suger so I'm trying real hard to stay away from eats saturated with that crap. Obviously I didn't do so hot with eating the Clam Chowder because I'm sure most cream soups are flour based but also... I'm not going hardcore on the FA diet, so I'm not going to trip over the small stuff.

My main goal for doing this is to try and eat healthy, to stay away from fastfood, fried foods, choccalatey snacks and other crap I've grown accustomed to eating over the years.

It's probably going to take a few weeks for all the soda and sugar to leave my system, so I'm sure I got some withdrawl pains coming from all the sugar in my system.

Hopefully by the end of May I'll be feeling great, looking great, and my general outlook on life will change for the better. Really folks, I'm starting to believe bad dieting causes depression, bitchyness, irratibility, and other negative qualities when I eat Twinkie's.

So here we go, it's time to put the Twinkie down.



I'd like to dedicate this song to anyone whose ever told me that I have a filthy mouth, that I suck in bed, that I don't look cute in capri's, and especially to anyone whose ever said I ain't shit. Fuck You!



Today is the pothead holiday known as 420.

If some of you are wondering what 420 stands for, 420 is the police code that stands for posession of marijuanna.

I'm headed over to Golden Gate Park in San Francisco later this afternoon because they're having a 420 festival. This should be fun. I don't partake but still I got the entire afternoon off and need something to do.

Oh yeah, I started my FA Diet again, which means no sugar or flour products for atleast 3 months.

I deciced to start today because the New Moon starts always begins on the 20th of every month and now is supposedly the best time to start new beginnings.

I guess I could've started last April or March but this time I feel more compelled to do it because I'm doing the Outlaugh Festival this June and I want to look my best.

One of my co-workers gave me a nice compliment today, he said, "wow, you look so skinny when you're not in your work clothes" . Thanks, I think.

Which reminds me, I need to start working on putting together my outfit for the Outlaugh event.

Alright everybody, happy 420!

Here's to new beginnings!


Sunday, April 17, 2011

Week 16

Today's Weigh In: 260

I've been heavily drinking soda lately and I hope to stop that this upcoming April 20th. I've just been under so much stress lately I've decided the way only way to handle it is by drinking Coca Cola. I stopped by a being a pop head a while ago but in times of need, it's been there for me.

In the long run, I know I'll be alright. For now, all I can do is keep working, save money and do the best that I can for now.

You never know, I can still pull it out by July 1.


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Dave Chappelle and Lauryn Hill

Okay, I'm really fucking tired.

I'm still trying to function on just a couple hours of sleep so I'm going to try to get threw this blog.

I played Poker a couple of nights ago and have been trying to catch up on my sleep since.

I was planning on staying in lastnight but when I heard on facebook that the New Parrish announced there was going to be a surprise secret show with Dave Chappelle and Lauryn Hill, I was on it.

Honesly, Dave Chappelle can kiss my fat gay ass and as far as I'm concerned, he was incidental from lastnight. I really wanted to see Lauryn Hill perform live so that's who I went to see.

It was a late show so that meant the doors didn't open until 12:30am and Dave didn't go on stage until 1:30am.

Dave opened the show doing a 30 minute comedy routine. He had some good jokes in there but he mostly riffed off the crowd, the crowd kept throwing him topics like Barry Bonds, how he knows Lauryn Hill, the rumor that he's been dating Oprah and so on...

I'll going to keep my commentary short on Dave Chappelle so I'll do just say this, if you like Dave Chappelle than you'd probably would've liked his jokes, enough said.

Lauryn Hill finally took the stage around 2:30am. Her first couple of songs were from her album: The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, which is a great album by the way. The whole album is amazing, not just a couple of the song, or most of the songs, but all the songs from that album.

In the middle of her set, she changed gears and hit the crowd with a Bob Marley cover, "Is this Love" .

In the last portion of her set, she covered a lot of the hits from her time with the Fugee's.

She brought the house down with Robert Flack's, "Killing me Softly" .

I really wish she would've sang Roberta's song without the Hip Hop flavor, the uptempo beat really kills the mood of the song.

So that's was my night, other than a few mouthy hood rats trying to bring down everyone else's goodvibe with their negativity, I actually had a good time.


Why I love White people

I crack on White people a lot in my jokes because it's fun but more importantly, I don't want anyone to think I'm a racist so now it's time for me to balance Universe by telling everyone:

Why I love White people

1) White people are always on time.

2) White people are masters at making everything efficient, gotta give it to you guys on that one, shit gets done with you guys.

3) Thank you White people for inventing electricity, who else would try to capture lightning with a key and kite.

4) White people are fun to watch when you dance. ie. Footloose - starring Kevin Bacon.

5) White people make great friends for job or loan references.

6) White people are adventurous - jumping out've a plane several thousand feet in the air with a parachute, c'mon, who does that?

7) I always feel safer when White people move into my neighborhood.

8) When White people borrow money, they pay you back.

9) White people always the first respondants on the scene of an accident, regardless if there in it or not.

10) White people love role playing in bed. For instance, a wig and foreign acsent goes a long way with them.

New Parrish Vlog

On my way to see Dave Chappelle and Lauryn Hill at the New Parrish in Oakland, California.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Bizarre Dream

Wow. Just woke up from a crazy dream.

This time I was at the old house on 35th/E.14th and we had roommates. I had the back room where the washers use to be and I think my brother had the front room and tucked in the corner were these two black ladies, I think they were sisters, there's nothing unusual about that right? So the two black ladies started bickering about what room they wanted to stay in and I was like, "well how about the main bedroom" ? So I show them where the walk in closet is with the connecting bathroom and they love it. I said, "this room has the best view of the 35th/E.14th St anywhere" .

So when I showed them the last room in the front, that's when the scenery changes. As soon as we walk into my old room, we're in a small casino but I still know this use to be my old room.

As I'm walking around I see a lady shuffling her cards on a BlackJack table and a card falls to the floor and I remember saying, "card down out" , which is what my dealer friends taught me how to say when you're learning how to be BlackJack dealer.

So, as I'm still walking around the casino floor, I still can't believe how this whole casino was able to fit into my small old room. And I remember telling people, "can you believe I use to sleep in here" ?

So as I'm done walking around, I come across this weird casino game where it looks like you roll a bowling ball over a slump and make it land in the middle. I know this game, I've seen it and have done it a million times at amusement parks.

But as I inspect more the game more closely, it's not that game at all.

In the middle, on top of a stage, huddled around what looks like these bowling ball
contraptions is a beautiful woman. And the announcer comes to the stage and says, "the object of this game is to guess how old she is, so if you want to play, everyone please place your bet now" .

So I looked down and as it turns out, those bowling ball contraptions weren't bowling ball contraptions at all, they were like little machines where you place your bet. Of course right, I mean hello, I am in a casino. So I place my bet.

Two seconds later I see the lady coming off stage and see a crowd gathering around her, they're all inspecting her upclose to gather a more accurate guess of her age. So the crowd leaves and it's just me and her.

I looked at everybody and shout out, "this is going to be easy, I pick women apart women everyday" .

So as I closely inspect her goods, the first thing I notice is that she's not fully a woman because I see her chest is flat. I look at her closely and realize this is a tranny painted in gold. I thought, "wow, whoever invented this game is good" .

And then as I come up to her face, I started closely looking for signs of age, I see she has little crow's feet wrinkles around her eye and then I was like, "oh, I know hold old she is" . So then I immediately went back to my spot to enter her age in the computer, I guessed her age at 31.

So then the tranny went back on stage to reveal her age, she pulled out a mini boxing card, unfolded the the flap and it said 31.

I have to admit, before she was pulling back the flap, I felt the tension, waning, and excitement that goes along with gambling. I was like, "c'mon, c'mon.. let me be right" .

So when it said 31 I immediately flipped out and started doing my Native American lulu shout. I was like, "lu lu" !

If some of you guys don't know what the lu lu thing is, don't worry, it's a Native American yell that denotes victory. The tribes from the Plains did this a lot.

Anyhoo, me being the person I am. I start rubbing it in to everyone's face. I was like, "that's right, I won,, I won... look at me.. I won" . *insert gloating giggle*

When I won, the pit boss asked me if I wanted casino credit.

I was like, "hellz no, I want the cash" .

So the man paid me 100$ and then I continued to walk threw out the casino.

I could've played a few more slot games as I was leaving but I knew when to quit, so I just walked out with my winnings.



Monday, April 11, 2011

Week 15

Today's Weigh in": 258

I've been pretty level for the past couple of weeks now. I think I've could've been down this week but that phillycheese steak, cheese fries and coca cola snuck up on me this past week.

And what's amazing, with the way I've been eating lately, my metabolism is still going good.

I'm talking about my regular bowl movements people. They've been really good lately, I haven't been feeling stuck at all. I'm not trying to be funny but that's the truth.

I'm still dealing with a lot of stress, but otherwise I'm good.


Keeping it Together

I'm not afraid of my emotions,

I embrace them.

When I'm feeling sad, I feel sad.

When I'm feeling happy, I'm happy.

When I think the whole world is bearing down on my shoulers,

I just remember that it's okay and I'll live to see another day.


Charlie Ballard

Friday, April 8, 2011

Indian Car

This is for all the Natives out there who drive an Indian car.

*however unpolitically correct it is to use the word Indian to describe Native Americans, whatever, that word has been used to desribe us since Columbus has been here so telling us the word isn't in fashion with us anymore isn't going to stop making us us it.

For my non-American or non-Native readers, Indian cars refer to an automotive owned by a Native American who lives on a reservation. Native American's who live on on the reservation have a tendency to keep their cars on low maintence.

There are certain distinguisable physical characteristics to spotting out an Indian car, such as:

1) if it takes you 5 seconds to roll down your window and an hour to roll it back up.

2) on the back of your car it says Toyota but on the interior it says Honda.

3) if you have to start you car like Fred Flintstone.

4) if your car has been "parked" , in front of your house for the past 4 years.

5) if the car heater is broke, you use the cigerette lighter to stay warm.

6) if you use your emergency brake for your real brakes.

7) in case of emergency White people carry a flashlight & a blanket in their trunk, in case of emergency Indian people carry a bottle of tobasco sauce and duct tape in their glove compartment.

8) when your speed odometer goes out, you have to guess how fast your're driving.

9) if you won your car at a 50/50 raffle.

10) if the only way your car drives is in reverse, then you own an Indian car.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

So Adorable

I saw this billboard at the Civic Center BART Station in SF. I thought it was soooooo adorable I had to take a picture of it.

How to turn a Straight Man Gay

I pulled this down from the web. A young gay teenager was looking for advice on how to mack on another guy in his band.

Here's what his question was followed by shitty advice from a columnist and then more advice from me.


Dear Mona,

I am a 16 year old gay High School student and I am deeply crushing on this guy in my section in marching band. There are some signs he is gay. I see him checking me out when he thinks I'm not looking. I would love to know the best way to turn him gay, or at least get him to like me. Can you help me with this? I just love him ever so much!

Drummer Boy


here's what Mona had to say:

I'm an ex band geek so I'll spare you the band jokes and jump right into one of the hottest Broadway musicals, Wicked, based on the favorite tale, Wizard of Oz.

Did you know the Wicked Witch of the West wasn't always evil? Elphaba (the birth name of the previously mentioned witch) had every intention of using her magic powers to make the world a better place- finding love for her sister (correctly guessed as the Wicked Witch of the East) and saving her love crush from a tragic end. The result of her screw up was the Tin Man and the Scarecrow. Later frustrated that her attempts at creating her own fantasy miserably failed, Elphaba vowed a life of evil. Of course, there is way more to the story, but the moral here is that you can save yourself a lot of grief by letting the natural course of things unfold. By trying to save your crush from a devastating straight fate you may end up losing your own self-esteem.

Many gay men try to use their powers of queer persuasion to create the ideal love fantasy. They become preoccupied with the quest of turning the seemingly impossible into the utterly tragic.

We all wish we could wave a wand and turn our crush into lust, but even if it were possible, would you want it that way? Let's shift the focus from the impossible (which is turning him gay) to the practical (finding out if he is gay through friendship).

There are no definite signs that disclose a person's sexuality. So, the best plan of attack here is to gain his trust as a friend. You say he looks in your direction, then strike up a conversation. Talk about that cool new Astroturf on the football field or how ridiculous piccolos look marching with those tiny instruments. Any excuse to start a friendship. Once you get to know him, you'll soon discover whether you desire a deeper friendship or not. You don't have to come out to him right away, but you should eventually disclose your intentions.

Of course, you love him so and want him now, but have a little patience. If he shares your feelings, he'll return the sentiment. If he's gay, you'll eventually know when he's ready for you to know. Until then keep your wand in your pants and stay in line.

Yours in love,


now's here what I had to say.

Dear Drummer Boy,

I say go for it because how else are you ever going to know if he likes you or not. The chances are 99% that he's as sexually attracted to you as you are to him. Take it from someone whose been there. Most of the guys that gave me the tingle were just as in to me just as I was into them if not more.

This whole deal with men being either gay, straight, bisexual, or transgendered is passe. In the new millenium it's perfectly okay to love another person regardless of their orientation, man or woman.

However, if you're from a country where homosexuality is not tolerated then leave immediately. Now if you live in one of the more modernized countries where gays aren't outlawed like the USA, UK, or Argentina, then by all means, go with with your gut instinct. Just use good judgement when you're trying to land your suitor.

I don't agree with Mona's advice at all and I really think using the Wicked Witch of the East is a bad analogy. It's also a little cliche too.

I'm sure Mona means well but she sounds like she's struck out at bat a few times herself, her advice sounds a little a like the blind leading the blind but there's definitely some merit in her advice like making friends first, which is always the best policy. When you do become friends with the guys you like, you'll either like them more or they'll end up making your dick curl and not in the good way either.

On a side note I'd like to say that Mona's idea of queer persuasion is no more effective than straight persuasaion. If someone doesn't like you, they don't like you.

But that shouldn't suggest that you give up, hellz no. You just have to change your approach or method. Here's what men have told me over the years:

- they like to be the aggressor, they like to make the first move.

-the flipside to that is some men like being the hunted, it's power reversal thing with them. It's exactly the same reason why most men who are lawyers hire a dominatrix to come over and make them lick their boots. Some fantasize about being a treated like a little bitch, go figure.

- they always go for the one's they can't have, so make yourself unattainable, or hard to get.

- most men are sluts and don't care where they stick it.

- a man will sew his seed in many women and when's he ready to settle down, he always, always, picks the woman who never said yes to him.

- most straight men claim they've done it with another man "one time" , so if he's a man virgin, his one time could be with you.

- switch from band to theater, they're are more hornier guys in theater

Also, what kind've guy are you looking for? If you want to date a military man, join the military, if you want to date a Fireman, join the Fire Department and so on.

The Universal laws of attraction work the same here too:

- Likes attract

- Opposites attract

- money attracts

- being physically pretty attracts

- inner charm & personality attracts

and so on, so good luck, play safe, and be smart about it.



Here's a side note to this blog.

Another reason why I wanted to address Drummer Boy's message was because of the recent rash of Gay teenage suicides that were happening across the United States last year.

I feel a big reason why these teenagers were taking their lives was because the information wasn't out there for them, about anything.

I don't claim to be an expert at anything, I can only share my stories and experiences with those who might matter.

There are professional people the gay youth can call:

Gay National Youth Talkline
1800 246 7743

The Trevor Project Suicide and Prevention Hotline
1 866 488 7386

Tsunamis aren't funny

The Sylvan boys Andrew Moore & Justin Gomes are co-producing a comedy show to benefit the Japanese Tsunami victims and if I thought for one moment they made this video without the intent of raising money for the Red Cross than trust me when I'd say I would personally slap the shit out've each one of them myself.

Guarded by Love

This photo was taken at BootyCall Wednesdays in the Castro at the Qbar.

Local dragqueen Juanita More has her team taking pictures in the back of the club to make her patrons feel like superstars with a different back drop every week.

The pose in this photograph is called, "Guarded by Love" . I'm using the American Sign Language hand symbol - I love you.

I'm holding the hand symbols over my chest as though I'm protecting my heart.

Stupid Sign of the Day

Only in Oakland, California can the city find a way to chastize you for doing something illegal.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

My Heart

I love this heart picture because on somedays, this is how I feel.


My Worst Sexual Experiences in SF

I was on Twitter and a writer from SF Weekly is looking for stories on the worst sexual experiences you've ever had in San Francisco, so here we go.


1) using my ass shot on Craigslist casual encounters and then having someone email me back, "hey, aren't you that comedian Charlie Ballard" ?

2) going on a blind date with another guy only to find out that our personalities aren't compatible but we fuck anways.

3) having to resort to pick up men at bus stops and other pedestrian areas because I don't have a car.

4) getting crusied by a straight guy only to find out the reason why he picked me up in the first place was because I kind've looked like a tranny.

5) making a random hook up take me to Taco Bell afterwards because I wanted something back in return.

6) always, always, always, always getting cruised by male hustlers because I, "look like" their clientale.

7) hoping my SF date would drive me back to Oakland after our hook up but then getting stranded in SF because I didn't have enough money to ride the latenight bus back to Oakland.

8) meeting a guy online and he says his fantasy is to fuck in some abandoned alley in SF and I reply back, "I don't do alley's" . And the truth is I don't do alley's anymore because that's basically all I've ever done in SF for the past 10 years.

9) always, always, always.. getting cruised by black guys on the down low, for once I'd like to get cruised by a white guys on the down low.

10) I hooked up with a guy once who wanted me to beat him off with my feet because he had a foot fetish. I was so mad he wasn't into anything else about me except for my feet so I ended up beating him off and right when he was about to cum, I yanked away my feet and decided to leave him with blue balls, that fucker. And I made sure he drove me back home before I said no.

One Moment In Time

As I'm writing this blog, I already know this is going to be one of the best blogs that I've written in a long time, it's been a while since I wrote a blog that made my heart truly sing while I was writing it, but here it goes.

Lastnight was amazing, here's how yesterday's events lead up to another great day for me. I like doing bullet points so here's how it went down:

1) I spent the entire day in the back room of a cafe on my laptop like some internet troll.

2) after catching up on my buffy vampire slayer episodes, I went to Domino's and brought home some pizza. Of course when I brought the pizza home, my brother starts rolling his eyes because he's tired of me bringing home pizza, but hey nobody cooks in my house so tough cookies.

3) I emailed a comedy friend to return my comedy DVD's that I lent him recently. Okay, I really didn't say it to him like, it was more like, "stop being flakey and bring my shit this Thurday" . I know, I have such a way with words. He decided the drop point was going to be at the New Parrish open mic in Oakland and of course, while I was there, I decided to put some time in on stage. I worked a new big girl joke that went over pretty well. After that, I headed over to the Lay Over where Mike Spieglemen was hosting his weekly Tuesday night show. Rob Cantrell from Last Comic Standing Season 1 was there, I guess him and Mike go way back. I liked Rob's material a lot, he has a certain charm to him. After flirting with Casey Ley for a little bit outside, I decided to head over to the SF. I guess Casey is dating a new guy that does drag and I kept teasing Casey calling him a, "tranny fucker" . There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a tranny fucker, I just knew that calling Casey a tranny fucker would put a smile on his face and it did.

4) I was on my way over to SF but where was I going? I had several options. I could've went to the Rockit Room open mic but that was way over in the Richmond district and probably by the time I got there, it would've been over. My other option was to go to the weekly LGBT comedy show at Harvey's in the Castro. That seemed like a good idea at the time but I was like, "nah, I'll blow my wad with them next week" . So in the end, I decided to go over to the Dark Room Theater in the Mission District for their weekly open mic Impov night, which is run by the Sylvan boys, Andrew & Justin.

5) When I got there, they were finishing up and of course, there were still going strong and you know what, that open mic has been drawing a good fan base lately, they've been having some pretty good crowds over there. So after the show, I was going to head out but then I noticed the guys putting out the table for poker night right after the Improv show. And since I didn't have to work today and I love to gamble, I said to myself, "why not" ?

6) I honestly don't know anything about poker so I asked the guys to help me out. They were really good about explaing the different kinds of poker games we played. I mean, I've played the little hand pocket poker game from my bff's mom from when she use to carry around but that was about it. And when it came to playing cards, I'm more of a Blackjack player. So to make a long story short, the buy in was 10$ and guess what people, I took almost everybodies chips! Here's a picture of me with my poker chips.

Honestley, I wanted to have somebody take a picture of me grabbing all the chips from that last pot but I didn't think it would've been a very gracious thing for me to do and plus I didn't think of it at the time otherwise I would've done it.

7) Wow you guys, I won the the first 2 hands right off the back. I'm guessing because the other players knew I wasn't an avid poker player, they tried to bluff me out've my first two hands and that probably would've worked unless I didn't watch World Championshiop Poker on ESPN. I probably lost one big hand because another player was running out've chips and I felt bad because so I bet low for that game to keep her in it. I'm not going to say who it was but let's just say she's dating Andrew and she works at the Apple Store in downtown SF. So when the pot was big and it was time to show our cards, her full house barely beat my full house. So after that, I was like, "no more Mr. nice queen" .

8) Okay so basically the best game of the night was the last game we played. And of course that was the biggest pot of the night, one player was already out and another player was going all in. Jim, the Dark Room owner, still had some chips left because he's a smart poker player but really, the last game we played, that was it, all the chips to be won was in that last pot.

9) Can you guys feel the drama and tension from me writing this blog. If I did my job, then you guys should be feeling the suspense up until this point.

10) Okay, so as it turns out, my main competition was Jim, the Dark Room Theater owner. It seem fitting I was the last person to show my cards. But before I did, everybody had to show their cards. When it came to Jim, you could tell by the big smile on Jim's face that he knew he was going to win. Jim turned over 4 Aces. Wow, are you kidding me? I thought to myself, "Wow, this is really going to blow his mind when I show him I'm holding a Royal Flush" .

I am so not kidding you guys. That's how I won all the chips lastnight, with a Royal Flush. I still can't believe it.

It really is an amazing feeling to win on a hand like that. It felt very 007-ish but instead of the shaken martini, I was like, I'll have my Hawaiin punch in a bottle, not a can.

I'm sooooooo going to remember this night for a long time, so I had all the players sign this scrap piece of paper that I was using to remind me how the poker hands ranked.

Here's a picture of the piece of paper that all the player's signed:

Just cute.

As you guys can see, these guys weren't sore losers at all.

That's Jim signature at the top, he's a great guy.

The signature in the middle is Andrew, he's one of the Sylvan boys whose producing my first Live CD that's coming out soon.

At the bottom, you can see Andrew's girlfriend signature where she wrote, "you's a bitch" , which might I add, she kept repeating to me threw out the night, which finally I had to say back to her, "that's right honey, I am a bitch.. but tonight I'm a winning bitch" ... hehehehe


So the reason why I decided to call this blog, "One moment in Time" , is because there are certain times in my life where I became the outright winner and have had the pleasure of coming out on top. It really is a wonderful feelings, I suggest everyone try it sometime, it really is invigorating.

There have been other times in my life where I came out on top, let's do a quick little recap of my own personal thrilling little victories:

- 5th grade, when I hit a home run while practicing with the Giant Blues little league team.

- 7th grade, when I caught an interception during a flag football game and ran it all the way to the tough down line.

- 11th grade, during a school assembly at Sherman, we listened to an Iraq war survivor give her account of being over there, so at the end of her talk, I asked a question, I said, "do you think our country would be over there if we didn't have industrial ties with them (meaning it was oil related) " . After the assembley, the local news happen to be there and they wanted to speak with me and have me elaborate more on my question, which I didn't by the way.

let's fast forward a little....

Circ 1990's - While hanging out at the now defunct Indian bar, Merle's Hilltop, I beat a pool hustler. Not an easy thing to do. The only way to beat a pool hustler is to sink all your balls in when it's your turn.

Circ 2000's - While still in school at Haskell, I was hanging out with Brother Joe at the Light House, they taught me how to play another card game called Hearts and on my first hand, "I shot the moon" . If you're a Hearts player, then you know what I'm talking about.

So there it is people. I'm feeling so good that I decided to play some Whitney Houston for everyone. When I listen to the lyrics, I'm like yeah, I can relate.


Monday, April 4, 2011

The Real Facebook

some status updates buttons you will never see on Facebook:

1) the don't like button

2) the list of people you've ever cheated on

3) where it says you're interested in women but no women are interested in you

4) 420 friendly

5) how much money you make

6) the size of your penis or the depth of your vagina

7) all the states where your illegitimate children live

8) the like Crack Button

9) the hate children button

10) which of your facebooks friends you stalk the most

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Week 14

Today's Weigh in: 259

Time to get into gear. Gotta look cute and skinny for the 2011 Outlaugh Festival coming up in June. I'm dragging a little today but only because it's been busy at work. Wondercon is in town and so far, it's taken a lot out've me.

I'm supposed to be on a 35 minute break but fuck that, I'm taking 45. : )


Today's personal quote

"I am my own star" - Charlie Ballard