Sunday, October 31, 2010

New goals

It's inventory time where I have to declare what I want in life and go after it!

Here's what I got so far!

1) get a woman pregnant
2) bleach my anus
3) buy a body cream that will make my stretch marks go away
4) write jokes that don't have anything to do with being Gay, Native American or dick.
5) get laid more
6) suck quality dick
7) be less of a bitch
8) make new friends who don't turn out to be pricks
9) give in to finally using a dildo
10) get more television credits
11) do more charity work
12) make a shit load more $$$ doing comedy and other related projects
13) either move to L.A. or NYC
14) buy a car
15) get new headshots for Native Magazine
16) buy new clothes/shoes
17) get my new stand up DVD to the masses
18) find a cute a boyfriend
18) start living my life


Beautiful Sunset

This picture was taken by Aurora Mamea. I was blogging earlier this evening, looked out the window, and noticed how the pretty orange sunset colors came from the West.

I didn't think nothing of it until I saw Aurora's picture, it was the same sunset and the picture she took was absolutely beautiful. It's definitely one of most spiritual photographs I've ever seen in my life.

Hope you guys enjoy it too!


1000 hits!

Thanks guys, my blog counter hit a 1000 hits this past week and I couldn't of done it without you guys. Thanks again for reading my blogs.
I really do love hearing from you guys so definitely leave comments from time to time.
Here's one of my favorite tweets from this past week:
"a nice compliment will get you a blow job"


Saturday, October 30, 2010

It Girl

This girl is fabulous, out've all the young new Diva's coming up, Rihanna is one of my favorites. She consistantly makes great music and is exceedingly original! Go girl!


Week 27

Today's Weigh in: who knows?

I decided not to weigh in this weekend because todays final weigh in is not the be all and end all for me.

I really did have a fabulous time doing this weight loss challenge and I'd like to thank everyone who actually took the time and the iniative to do this with me.

Obviously I didn't lose the 25-30 like I had hoped, instead I struggled alot with my up and down eating patterns. The great remaining constant was that I logged in many miles of jogging along the way.

The best compliment I got was from my Hualapai's sisters when I went to visit them in PHX last weekend and they said my butt got smaller.

I'll take it!


Still hurts...

this song is dedicated to all my wonderful friends who've ever loved somebody that didn't love you back, their loss! ♥

The Great Halloween Costume Search

I'm so in the mood to celebrate Halloween this year! I put on my facebook status update that I'm looking for some really cool suggestions on what to dress up as this year?

I'm open to anything, the winning idea will be posted on my myspace and facebook!
So if any of you have any bright idea's, please shoot them to me ASAP!


Thursday, October 28, 2010

Finally free

Today is a new day for me, instead of notching my belt to the tightest hole where it makes my waist look skinny, this morning I decided to leave it at a size where it actually makes me feel comfortable.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My dream man

Soooooo hot!


If you love me

It's that time of night where I'm starting to be overcome with emotion. This use to be my club jam back in 1995. The lyrics are so me. After first listening to this song, I use to think it was going to be impossible for another man to show love for me because if these girls aren't getting it, what makes me think that I can? Needless to say I stopped thinking that a long time ago and I still believe that all men are capable of showing us this feeling called love. Don't let me down boys.


Tuesday, October 26, 2010


As my family and friends have come to know me, they will tell you guys that on some days I can be a complete and utter bitch.

The best way I can explain living the life of a bitch is threw Ann Rice's novel, "Queen of the Damned" . Before I started reading her book, the first question I had to ask myself was, "what were the circumstances and events that lead her into being the vampire queen" . Ann Rice is great author because every good writer anticipates these questions and delivers the answers to their readers.

I'd probably say half way threw the book Ann answered my question. I guess the Queen, before she was a vampire and still human, summoned these two witch sisters to her castle to display their power, and when the Queen experienced their natural magic, she was enraged because all the dogmatic and religious views from which she was raised, seem liked lies compared to what was happening right in front of her.

If some of you guys were actually able to follow me threw all that, that's actually not what made the Queen a bitch. What made the Queen a bitch is how afterwards when the witches refused to share their magic with her, she punished one of the them by imprisoning her and gauging her eyes out. So from there, the other sister witch got revenge by cursing the Queen with a dark spirit thus turning her into a vampire.

The way I look at Ann Rice's novel, the queen was a rotten apple before she became a vampire, so everything after that is extra.

What turns me into a super bitch are seeing people's crappy attitudes towards each others. I was always raised to believed that you should treat people with kindness and compassion and to this day, I still believe that. But when I see people doing ignorant shit, it irks me, shuts me down, and makes me not want to wanna fuck with them.

Okay now this is where I get real. If anyone ever see's me dogging people out, talking shit about them without merit, or just plain being flat out being rude and nasty, that's not being a bitch, that's just somebody being a poor excuse for a human being. A sassy diva with mega attitude I might be but not stupid and pathetic, so please don't confuse the two.

Most people wonder why I don't say hi when I see them and it's probably because I just had a long day at work and need a minute to relax to myself. Sorry but people drive me crazy and my personal time out's are much needed.

The best attitude I have in dealing with people is if you don't make it all about you then I won't make it all about me. And it never hurts to be nice, if you play your cards right, being nice may just get you a blow job.

I hope this helps but probably not, still it was fun to write.


My new look

Yeah so hey you guys, here's a picture of my new my look, do you guys think I over did it with the highlights?


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Blog from the future

Because I'm 36, I'm still allowed to talk about sex that doesn't make me sound too creepy. Because right, isn't there an age cap where if you're still blogging about your sexual disfunctions, then you're problem isn't sex, you just weren't fucked enough as an adult.

So tonight I'd thought I'd stretch myself and see what kind've blogging topics that I would write about in the future, say like in 50 years. Enjoy!


Date: 10/24/60

Good morning everyone, Charlie Ballard here and it's Halloween week. This year at the retirement center we're having a Halloween party, I don't know why, the same stuff happens every year, somebody eats candy they're not supposed to and ends up shitting all over themself. That's what I hate about living with old people, sometimes I think they shit on themsevles purposely just so they have an excuse to spend time with the attendents.

Gee, somedays I still can't believe I'm alive. All my friends either died off from AIDS or drugs. I miss them very much. I don't feel lonely, thank god for televison. I love watching comedy shows because it reminds me of the days from when I use to be a stand up comedian. Oh shit I was funny. I remember performing in front of crowds so big it felt like it was a dream. Those were the days when I was happy, comedy was my life and she was always there for me, helping me get threw the bad times - my mom's death, my bestfriends death, my first heart attack, and even the great war of 2045, and whoever would've thought the Chinese would've kicked our asses on that one?

If it's one thing that I'm really thankful for, it's that I never wore out my asshole from all that gay sex I use to have. My gay friends use to tease me by saying, "what good is having a tight 30 year asshole that you never use" and my response, "not having to carry around a colon bag with me everywhere I go from when I got into my 80's" . :0

Peach on Earth
Charles K Ballard

The Slut is back!!

Oh goodness, I had so much fun in PHX last weekend. Here's one last photo from the Apollo, I put this on the chalkboard in the men's bathroom. Goodtimes people, goodtimes.

And would you guys still believe I didn't get any emails from this, lordy what do I have to do to get a date these days?


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Go Giants!

SF Giants Pitcher Brian Wilson

The SF Giants beat the Phililes tonight and became the National League Champions for 2010! If you watched the game, it was very exciting, the Giants started off slow, Phillie were up 2 runs but then the Giants came back. The game was tied for a long time until Uribe hit a homer to make it 3-2. It came down to SF Giants pitcher Brian Wilson to close out the game in the bottom of the 9th with runners on 1st and 2nd base. Wow! I kid you not, Wilson had to be under incredible pressure but he stepped up to it. As soon as he threw his last pitch on a full count and the ump called it a strike, everyone in SF went crazy because now we're in the World Series baby!


Week 26

Today's Weigh in: 255

This wasn't a very productive week and I'm grateful that I'm not over. I only have one more week on my weight loss challenge and as much I'm glad it's over, I really feel like I've cheated myself out've 30 lbs. That's okay, I don't take back all those miles I logged jogging around Lake Merritt in Oakland and I certainly don't regret doing this whole weight loss challenge in the first place. It was fun to do and gave me more motivation to be active!


Friday, October 22, 2010

What happened to your blogs?

I know huh,.. what happened? My blogs use to be supercool, filled with filth, and lots of good times.

The last time I was in L.A. Kathy's mom said to me, "what happened, your blogs really changed" , and basically I was like, "well, I have a lot of really nice traditional people on my facebook friends list, and out've respect for them, I decided to really cut back on my antics" .

That's sad huh. I feel like I've compromised my artistic integrity to make a few people happy. I know I can't make the whole world happy because trust me, I've tried.

So, in true Charlie Ballard fashion, I'm going to have to rededicate myself to being a free fun loving slut who likes to talk about dick, Madonna, Project Runway, and more dick.

Here's to getting what you want in life and not being apologetic about it!


Thursday, October 21, 2010

My favorite pics from PHX !!

Hey peeps, here are some of my favorite pics from weekend in Phoenix, Arizona!

Me and the ladies!

Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence - Phoenix Chapter
*Sister Navi-Ho on the left*

Ricki - Miss Transgendered Arizona 2004

Miss Walker enjoying her Bday at the PumpHouse

me and Allene!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Get your purple on !!

Today is a national protest day against violence and hate! To show your support, wear purple or post a purple default pic to your mypace or facebook pages!


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Week 25

Today's weigh in: 255
I just got back from PHX and my weight was looking great going into the weekend but because I was with friends I haven't seen in a long time, I let it go!
I gained 2 lbs from last week. There's only 3 more weeks left in this diet challenge. So far it's been a wonderful 6 months and I don't regret anything I've eaten or done to stay to active. For every fried food, sugary bite, or mouthwatering morsil I laid my lips on, I knew there was a consequence. If there's was one thing that I'm going to take away from this online dieting experience, it's that real dieting takes work and committment, something that I'm totally going to have to work on!


Monday, October 18, 2010

The Princess and her cellphone

This fairytale blog is inspired by my recent outing in Phoenix, Arizona this past weekend, enjoy!

Once upon a time there was a Princess who always kept losing her cellphone. Some princess's sleep, some make thread, and some clean houses but this princess was always known for losing her cellphone.

At first when she started losing her cellphone, it was cute but then after a while it got annoying because everyone was always having to update her phone #.

So anyhoo, one night she decided to hang out at the club with the Wicked Diva Witch and guess what, the Princess lost her cellphone again. She tried blaming the Wicked Diva Witch saying she must've put a curse on her because she was never able to keep her cellphone whenever she hung out with the Wicked Diva Witch but then the Wicked Diva Witch was like, "girl please.. I cast spells, not dropped calls"..

To make a long fairytale short, the Princess got her cellphone replaced because she has cellphone insurance and the Wicked Diva Witch went back to the dance floor because she's fierce like that..

The moral to this fairytale.."stop blaming other bitches for your problems" ...


Strippers and Popcorn

Gosh darn it, we didn't make it to the PHX State Fair like I had hoped but that's okay because it still really cool everytime we drove by it.

Today started off like yesterday, we slept in and ate late. We must've circled all of the greater PHX area for a couple of hours looking for a dine in Pizza Hut, okay I'm exagerrating, it wasn't hours but when you're hungry everything seems like an eternity.

From there, we went over to the 3 Snaps, which is a gay owned thrifty store on 7th Ave/Indian School. My old friend Danny works and he asked us to stop by after my show and say hi. That had to be the cutest Thrift Store I've ever been in, it felt more like a really hip antique shop.

It was actually from that point when we detoured from the State Fair. Danny said one of his friends who I did my "Heimlich" bit with lastnight in my show was gonna be stripping at Charlie's. So you know from that point, the PHX State Fair was cut from our list and it was time to get our freak on. When we got to the Charlie's, it was really early and the male strippers were doing there thing on the table tops. We almost made it out the door when the club announced the Sunday drag show was about to start. OMG, are you serious? Don't get me wrong, I love me some gay entertainment just like the next gay but enough is enough. Some of our crew wanted to stay and watch the show so we took off to check out some other places.

We ended up at another gay bar across town called Apollo's, and wouldn't you know it, they were featuring male strippers there too. Honestly, I really didn't want to stay but this place offered free popcorn and if it's two things I can't turn down, it's men in g-strings and free popcorn. After this little experience, I'm beginning to understand why straight strip clubs offer 25 cent wing night at their dance clubs.

I had a really great time in PHX this past weekend but it's time for me to return home, I got some serious money to make.

Alright guys, hope you guys had a great weekend!


Day 2 - Phoenix

We just pulled in and had another fabulous day in PHX! Thanks to everyone who came out the Native GLBT show at the 1 Voice Community Center off 7th/Indian School.

We had such a great turn out, that just goes to show you that people do care about these events and that they need to keep happening!

I got to see some old friends from Albuquerque, that was off the hook! I also got to see some old friends from Berkeley and San Francisco, it never ceases to amaze me who I bump into these days!

Afterwards we had to make a mad dash across town to Stand Up Scottsdale. That's a new little comedy club inside the Papi Chulo, which is a really nice mexican restaurant attached the Clarion Hotel. I was able to get on to the late show and even though we had a small crowd, they were pretty great! I was on fire with my dick jokes.

We ended our night at Charley's. Shit, we got there really late. I told these other guys to meet us there and we couldn't leave the comedy club because if we left, there would've been no audience. I really do love Charley's! I always have such a great time there. On our first night at Charley's we ran into this Havasupai trans girl we use to go to Sherman with - Kelly. Kelly was cool, she still has the same vibrant energy like she did in high school, go Kelly!

Alright everybody, we only have one more day in PHX and we're going to spend it at the Phoenix State Fair. Yippie, I can't wait!


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

So Lazy Today

Okay so I think all you know by now that I have a sweet tooth, I love anything sweet and delicious. Because today was so hot, I wanted to come home and make a fabulous dessert that I could eat in this heat. I decided I was gonna make me some Banana Pudding! My inspiration came from the back of a Nilla cookies box, which is where I found the recipe for Banana Pudding, here's what it's going to look like when I'm done!

This is as far as I got! (See Pic Below)

Stay cool everyone!

Not Feeling Well

I got a crappy head cold that just kicked in tonight. That's what I get for not listening to that casting lady we auditioned for in L.A. this past Friday.

When the auditionw as over, I went to give her a hug and she was like, "oh know, I'm just now getting over a cold" , and I was like, "whatev's, now give me some sugar" .

Seriously, right now I'm feeling like shit. My nose is runny and earlier I had a huge headache. I was looking for an open mic earlier and I couldn't find it, so when I was strolling around downtown SF, I felt really light headed and dizzy. At first I thought it was because I wasn't hydrated and needed some water.

The next time somebody tells me that they're getting over a cold, note to self not to hug them. But honestly, right now I don't mind getting sick because it's not like I have anything else better to do.

I went running earlier and wouldn't you know it, I was getting those looks from the menz afterwards. This always happens after I go running. My hair is jacked, my skin is still oiley, I wreek of sweat, and I just have this fucked up crazed look about me. And of course this is hot to men. I'll never figure that one out? I think it's because men are attracted to that raw stanky animalistic pu-tang smell because it reminds them of their caveman days, I don't know? But for realz, I gotta stop doing that after I go running, I need to save that for the clubs..

I'm headed to PHX in a couple days for a community show and to spend some time with my bestest bff's in the world!


Sunday, October 10, 2010

It Gets Better

This vlog is in response to all the gay youth out there who've ever considered committing suicide, I'm hear to tell you don't because life gets better! This is for you guys! ♥

Week 24

Today's Weigh in: 253

Wow, are you kidding? Where'd that come from? I know for a fact I ate half a cheeseburger from Hamburger Mary's, another Double Cheeseburger from In and Out and a quick double cheese from McDonald's this whole weekend while I was in L.A. And oh yes I was hitting the Coca Cola too! Talk about major back sliding on my diet.

Who knows, I had to double check the weight scale today and it was right, so who knows?

This week I gotta heavy work schedule and then I'm off to PHX for a community show and then to hang out with my homegirl Juicely for her Bday weekend! And yes I will be watching what I eat this time!

Have a good one everyone!


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Homegirl of the Week

I absolutely love this woman! Here's me striking a pose with Kathy Peltier. We took this picture at The Abbey in WeHo this past weekend in L.A. I love love love love this picture! It's sooo angelic! Luvs yeah Kathy!

Comedian Charlie Ballard Needs Your Help

Comedian Charlie Ballard needs your help! Please kindly ask your friends to add me as there Facebook friend. I need a good pool of people on my Facebook friends list to help me win prizes on this new Reality tv show called "Rally Across America" ! The show will have us feeding you guys the clues through our social network sites and your answers will help us win the challenges! If I win, you guys win too!

The guy in the picture with me is my partner for the show: Pacey Williams

Thanks guys!

Only One Blog Hit Today?

C'mon people, really? Only one blog hit today? Okay, I know I've been away from my blogs for two day's and then all of a sudden everybody abandon's me? Let's go people, give a black sister a chance.

Alright, I really gotta keep this short because it's 4am and I really should be in bed.

Yesterday was cool. I rode down with the CAL Women's Volleyball team on Southwest Airlines and tonight we cheered them on as they beat the UCLA Bruins in 4 games. Go Bears!

Also, as I got onto the Bus shuttle, I ran into some Anishnab's from Mt. Pleasant, MI. They're in town for the San Manuel Powwow. They know my family from Mt. Pleasant so I thought that was pretty cool.

Yesterday I picked up Kathy and we went to the Fubar for Big Dick Thursdays. I don't know, I guess BDT is losing it's steam because it just seemed like another ho-hum night in the WeHo. Okay people, you know I'm totally lying, I'm just saying it was boring so I don't have to stay up all night blogging about what really happened. Let's just say I saw some of my favorite celeb's out and there was big penis's everywhere!

Today was great. I picked up Kathy and we went to the IHOP to work on our questionaires for the, "Rally Across America" , audition. This audition is why I came to town in the first place. So as we were filling out our bubbles, that's when Pacey pulls up, he drove all the way down from the Bay Area to audition with us. Unfortunately, the casting people only picked me and Pacey to interview. The interveiw process went great! I'll blog more about that at a later time.

Afterwards we went to Hamburger Mary's, got a cheeseburger and watched a dragqueen show. We ended the night at The Abbey where Lyndon got atleast 5 #'s from 5 different dudes and then later on in the night he was gracious enough to give me and Kathy pointers on how to pick up guys. Uh yeah....

Anyhoo, we had a great time this weekend and I can't to see if we get called back in November! Wish us luck!


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

So exhausted..

Yesterday was such a long day and I could not find the energy to make it thew the day but somehow I managed to get my shit together, come home, change, and then head out the door again.

My day started off at my job, it was slow but I did manage to make enough tips to buy chinease food when I got home.

When I got home, I could really feel myself dragging but since I was booked to do QComedy in SF later that evening, I had to regroup, get it together, and be the consummate professional everyone knows me to be. The show turned out to be a lot of fun. It was held in a gay piano bar off Market/Octavia in SF. I got to work out some new material and it went over really well.

Afterwards, I took the bus up to the Club Deluxe and got to see some very funny comedians do their thing. Some of the finalist from SF Int. Comedy Competition were hanging out and they were all giving hot performances.

I felt too lazy to ride the bus all the way back to Oakland so I asked a comedian friend if I could catch a ride back with him across the bridge. The only thing, I had to hang out with him for another open mic in Alameda, then because my ride was homies with the bar staff, we had to wait to until they were closed so we could meet up with his friends at a 24 hr. restaurant. I didn't get home until late.

Next time I'm just going to take the bus home.


Monday, October 4, 2010

Suicide Prevention for Gay Teens

This blog is in response to the recent Gay teen suicides going on across the country.

If you are a gay teen who is having problems, there is a phone # you can call and talk to supportive people!

*** 1 866 488 7386 ***

For any reason what so ever please feel free to call them!

Speaking as a gay adult, we've all been there! At sometime or another we've all been bullied, teased, harrassed, picked on, made fun of, terrorized, beaten and kicked around for being gay.

I want everyone to know that they're supportive people out there who care for your well being, me being one of them.

If for whatever reason you need to talk to someone, please call the phone above, it's the crisis hotline to the Trevor Project.

The Trevor Project is a nonprofit endeavor established to promote acceptance of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) youth, and to aid in suicide prevention among that group.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Week 23

Today's Weigh in: 255
I'm up another pound, which is alright because these past two weeks were very stressful. So I'm thankful I'm not up a lot more than that.
My diet weight loss challenge is almost over but know this people, even though I'm nowhere near my weight loss goal, I'm still planning on keeping up with my diet and excercise activites. I looked at my weight scale today and said, "'we have a score to settle" .


Saturday, October 2, 2010

You Better Work Girl !

If anyone's been following Project Runway Season 8, an early stand out favorite is Mondo Guerra. He's a fashion designer from Denver, CO. What makes Mondo unique is his ability to synchronize a myriad of bold fresh colors and eye catching prints. I can go on about Mondo's talent.. blah blah blah...

But what made Mondo special this week was how he was able to mesh his personal background with fashion and make wearable art. This past week on Project Runway, Mondo revealed his HIV + background. The design challenge was to create a personal textile that represents the designer, so that's what he did, he created a very fashionable print of his HIV + status.

The final result was AMAZING! It was contemporary, fashion forward, and everything that would make Nina Garcia scream in her panies. (see pic below)

Much kudo's to Mondo for sharing his story. Michael Kors said it best,

"and he's taking something that could be really be an incredibly difficult situation and he's saying no, you know what, I'm gonna find the postive in this, the message was fabulous"

"everyone in life, regardless of what you do, you're gonna have difficult moments and I think he showed us today, he's going to work with the difficulties in his life and not let them stop him, if anything they're going to propel him" .

Well said Michael!

For anyone not clued into the depth of this blog, this is what hope feels like! ♥

Friday, October 1, 2010