Hey guys, I was reading Dan Savage, one of my favorite sex column writers and he personally blew it for me this week. In this weeks column, a gay virgin teenager wrote it and asked for gay sex advice for him and his boyfriend. So below is the young gay questions followed by Dans advice, under that is what I wrote in to Dan, enjoy.
I'm gay and a junior in high school, and I've had a boyfriend for a year. (He's one year older than me, Dan, so relax!) We are out to our parents and everyone is supportive. We are not bullied or suicidal or using drugs. But we are frustrated! We had sex education in our schools, but they didn't cover gay sex. (Big surprise!) I tried to talk to my mom about gay sex, and all she said was "please use condoms." We tried and we used condoms, but I think we must be doing something wrong because we can't do it. We are ready to start having real gay sex—with me on the bottom, at least for now!—and we are frustrated and feel like failures as gay men. Any advice?
Tell Us Something Helpful
P.S. Do we really need to use condoms? We are both virgins and each other's first boyfriend.
(from Dan Savage)
You and your boyfriend aren't failing gayness, TUSH.
Gay men and boys can be successes in life, in love, and in the sack without acing—or even enjoying—anal intercourse. Anal doesn't define you as gay men and it certainly isn't all there is to gay sex. There are so many ways that you and your boyfriend can get off together—mutual masturbation, oral sex, frottage (aka "wet humping")—that are just as pleasurable, just as "real," and just as gay as anal intercourse. But if you and your boyfriend want to give anal another go, TUSH, here's a crash course in anal sex ed...
First, experiment on your own. Use fingers and toys and lots of lube. I recommend that you get your hands on a butt plug, get your ass on that butt plug, and get yourself off with that butt plug in your ass. Exploring anal penetration solo will allow you to experience anal pleasure without any pressure or expectations, TUSH. You can really take your time and you won't feel like you're disappointing your boyfriend if you have to bail.
Your boyfriend should do the same. I don't care if your boyfriend is a top—or thinks he is, or is topping because you want to bottom—your boyfriend will be a better top if he knows what it feels like to be penetrated and enjoys penetration himself.
Okay! So you've both done some exploring on your own—jacked off with fingers and toys—and there you are, just you and your boyfriend, hanging out. Your butts are squeaky clean and, hey, you've got the house all to yourselves... is it time to fuck? Not yet. Now you're gonna spend some time sticking fingers and toys in your butts and jerking off together. For extra credit, you can experiment with rimming, if you haven't already, as nothing relaxes anal sphincters quite so effectively. (Once more with feeling: squeaky-clean butts!) The point is for you to do anal a few times with the boyfriend and for both of you to get off—you and the boyfriend—without his dick going anywhere near your ass.
Now you're ready to get fucked.
You're going to need lots of lube, TUSH, and lots of patience. Have your boyfriend apply lube directly to your hole; he should gently rub your hole for a bit, to help it relax, before using a finger or two to push some lube just inside you; you can apply the lube to his dick. Move into whatever position feels most comfortable for you—him on top, you on top, face-to-face, doggy-style—and point the tip of his hard cock directly at your hole. He should apply some pressure: uniform, constant, gentle pressure. You'll feel your asshole begin to open as the head of his cock enters you. Keep breathing as the rest of his dick slowly—a fraction of an inch at a time—slides into you.
Once he's all the way inside, TUSH, your boyfriend may be tempted to start banging away, porn-star style, but that would be a huge mistake. Your boyfriend should instead stay perfectly still for the first minute or two while you breathe and relax. Kiss your boyfriend and stroke yourself during the brief lull before the fucking starts. Then he starts moving inside you—very slowly. He pulls out an inch or two and slides back in, you keep breathing and stroking, he pulls back an inch or two more and slides in. With each successive thrust, your boyfriend will be able to pull out a little farther, TUSH, and before you know it, he'll be fucking the hell out of you. The whole process (the hole process?)—from patient foreplay to full-on assfucking—takes 30 minutes at least.
P.S. You don't have to use condoms, but you should. Using condoms is a good habit to get into, TUSH, and if you have any concerns about cleanliness, well, a condom is your best friend. There are lots of gay guys out there—including guys as young as you—who got infected with HIV by boyfriends, including first boyfriends, who lied or didn't know or fucked up. So listen to your mother and use condoms, TUSH, along with a water-based lubricant.
Heres what I sent in:
I just read the Birds & Bees advice you gave to the High School gay couple and I have to say that was the worst advice on Gay Sex I have ever heard in my life. I don't blame you so much because your advice was given from the stand point of someone whose been a long term relationship, which is fine and all but obviously you didn't sew your gay oats quite enough. There is some merit in your gay sex wisdom but not enough to warrant any real justification. A while back I took it upon myself to write a blog on, "How to Make Love Like a Gay Man" , and to date this is one of my top blogs. How my personal advice differs from yours, I obviously have been around the block more then you and my advice on how to have gay sex has resonated with the gays, women, virgins, and the straights.
Here you go:
Being a gay man, if you can't give good advice on gay sex especially from being an advice columnist, then its probably time for you to get out of the game.
Bigger Ho with Better Advice
I've said this for years, my sole reason for writing that blog on gay sex was to give the information because it wasn't there for me when I was that age.
I've got nothing but great responses from that blog!